The Monroe Legacy - G.4. Chapter 10 - Shame, Blame and Change

They passed the few hundred meters back to the house in an awkward silence that carried them up the path and through the door. Once they were in Lillia was amused to see that her suspicions had been correct and the interior was just as yellow as the exterior. Everything was yellow, walls, floors, cushions and appliances.

Catching her grin Noki offered an explanation,

'It was my great-aunt Tilda's house, she always loved yellow but as she got older she got a little obsessive over it. She was a sweet lady though, always had time for me as a small boy and she left me this place when she died. I haven't had the heart to change anything except the truly horrifying yellow kitten painting in my bedroom!'

Lillia nodded,

'At least it's cheerful!'

This time when Noki laughed there was something off and it sounded tight and brittle,

'Right now I need that more than you know.'

The small talk dried up and the awkwardness was back. Lillia was torn between starting on what she wanted to discuss and checking if Noki was okay, there had been something different about him since his transfer and it sounded like the house situation was linked to whatever it was.

She was disturbed in her dilemma by an offer of coffee which gave a moment for Lillia to organise her thoughts. Five minutes later they were seated across from each other, drinks steaming and out of excuses to delay. Opening her mouth to start Lillia was surprised when Noki began.

'I want to start by saying sorry for my behaviour last year. I was incredibly selfish, I was there for Rose who was great but you were fascinating in a way I didn't know a woman could be. So I flirted, even when you pushed me back I persisted and then I exploited your moment of weakness to get what I wanted. I realised afterwards that it was meaningless because even for those few minutes I didn't really have the you I wanted. I had the party girl but not the brain behind her, that sharp humour and gentle sparring we always shared. So I'm sorry. Both for the taking advantage and for the chasing, it wasn't fair to you and it was wrong.' 

For a moment Lillia was so stunned by his honesty that she didn't know what to say. He was offering her an apology and an explanation that let her off the hook. She could just walk away now and with his confession make Rose believe that she was barely at fault.

It was tempting. But it would be wrong

'I really appreciate hearing your side of things Noki', she paused to gather her thoughts, 'but I can't accept your apology'. He began to protest but Lillia forged onwards.

'It's not that I don't appreciate it... I really do. But I can't accept you taking all of the blame. It takes two to tango and every moment you acted badly I matched. I was drunk that night but I wasn't unconscious. I knew what I was doing, knew what I wanted was wrong, I chose to betray my friend as much as you did. We both did a bad thing and we both owe an apology. Maybe to each other eventually but first to Rose. That's why I wanted to talk to you.'

Noki grimaced, 'You think we should tell her?'

'I know we should tell her.' Now she had decided it was so clear to Lillia that she should have spoken up months ago. 'And soon, before somebody else does. It sounds to me like you've been thinking about it as much as I have, trying to make it right but we can't truly put it behind us until we have told the truth. '

Noki nodded. He didn't look happy but he didn't look surprised either. Lillia couldn't put her finger on it but there was something different about him lately, he didn't have the same arrogant swagger he used to, he could fake it when he had to but when he relaxed he was a little subdued. She hesitated, not wanting to damage the fragile trust they'd begun to build.

'Noki.... You don't have to answer if you don't want to but I have to ask. Did something happen to change things for you. You just seem... Different lately. Quieter....'

'You mean I seem less like an entitled ass?' His tone was light but his eyes told another story.

Lillia nodded.

'I can't really pull it off these days, people don't like an entitled ass so much when he doesn't have the funds to back it up.'

Lillia was puzzled, 'I don't understand what that means?'

Noki looked away, 'It means I was disinherited, I did the one thing my father couldn't forgive me and now all I have left is this', he gestured at the house, 'and a small allowance from my mother's private account. Just enough for bills and tuition. I'm not heir to Moon Petroleum anymore, my sister is.'

'I do-don't know what to say', Lillia struggled for the right response. 'I'm so sorry! Will he change his mind?'

Noki shook his head. 'No. As he put it "after all I have overlooked, all I gave you, you deny me the one thing I have ever asked of you". I've never seen him that angry.'

They sat in silence for a little while and Lillia twisted a loose thread on her sleeve around her finger as the moment stretched out into awkwardness but she didn't speak; it felt like there was more to be said. Noki broke first.

'I suppose you want to know what I did?'

Lillia kept her tone neutral, she did want to know but she didn't want to pry. 'Only if you want to tell me.'

He considered a moment. 'I do. But it's kind of embarrassing.'

 'Ever since I was small I have known that my father wanted me to marry the daughter of his biggest competitor. Stella Sinclair was the ideal match for me, it was a good business decision, a merger between our families would make our conglomerate the biggest in the country, our families moved in the same circles and she was pretty, compliant and wouldn't make any trouble. I didn't mind at first, she was good company, she thought I was wonderful and didn't ask questions about our time apart. I figured I'd do as my father did, sow my wild oats at college then return home, marry the girl and run the company.

It was working fine, I was young and with it stupidly content to be wealthy, handsome and free. Stella was back home waiting, she never needed to know about what I did and she probably would have forgiven me anyway just for the sake of the life she had planned with me. But then it all changed.

Rose was great fun, we had a blast together but I knew it was just a fling and I thought she did too, I was never subtle about my other extra-curricular activities when I was with her. We would have run our course and it would have been another notch in my bedpost as I inched towards my pre-arranged life.

Then I met you. Right from the beginning you had something that got under my skin, it was infuriating but it was exciting.

It took a while for me to realise what it was that made you different but I worked it out eventually. You were my equal. 

Equally self-interested, equally adored but equally intelligent. We both knew how to make things happen, how to get what we wanted and when we collided... Well neither of us got our way. Rose was one of the few people you would put ahead of yourself, so you didn't get what you wanted. Your resistance to whatever spark was between us meant that I wasn't going to get what I wanted either.

So we stalled. We circled each other, burying our interest under banter and bickering and I assumed the spark would burn out. It always had before. When it didn't I had no idea what to do, so I stayed as close as I could, using Rose as a decoy and waiting for something to change. It did that night when you let me kiss you.'

Lillia blushed at the memory.

'The next day I woke up expecting to feel satisfied at my victory but that was when I realised it wasn't what I wanted any more. I didn't want one kiss, not even one night. I wanted the intrigue of everyday with somebody who was my equal. So I ended things with Rose, with all of my playthings and I went home to see if Stella could be that person for me. 

She couldn't. 

That wasn't all that changed, with my new eyes everything at home looked different.

My father rules everything, including my mother. I had always justified this with the assumption he had done as I planned to and ended his other affairs at their wedding, becoming her devoted partner and provider.  He had not. He lived a high risk, high reward kind of life where nothing, not even his family, was sacred. I realised I didn't want that, I wanted a chance at a life that meant something.

When I told my father I couldn't marry Stella he gave me a choice. I could be the man he raised me to be and be the Moon heir with Stella at my side. Or I could fend for myself. 

I chose me.'

He gestured around the room, 'Hence the former player in the yellow house trying to figure out the world.'  

Even not  having known much about Noki from before, Lillia could tell that this was a huge change and probably more difficult for him than he was making out.

'Your dad made the wrong choice', was all she could think to say. 'God knows that I don't know much about making good choices but I do know that when you tried to make a right choice, he made a wrong one. I hope it all works out in the end.'

Noki gave her a small, sad smile. 'Me too. I'm glad you don't think me an idiot. It isn't easy but I think despite the hurt I'm happier already. I'd like for us to be friends Lillia'.

She stiffened slightly, apprehensive. 'Just friends?'

He nodded. 'For now I think we both need to figure out ourselves before we try anything else.'

Relieved she nodded and smiled and felt a new lightness when he grinned back.

'Shake on it?' Lillia stuck out her hand and was surprised but not unpleasantly when Noki pulled her i to a bear hug.

'Sorry,' he said gruffly, 'I just...um.. Needed a hug I guess.'

He didn't notice when Lillia stiffened in his arms and he couldn't see her face to know that it had turned white.

'When shall we speak to Rose?' he asked as he stepped away.

Choking back her panic Lillia just pointed to the stricken face outside the window.

'I think we might be too late.'

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Read on now! Chapter 11 - Paying the Price

The Monroe Legacy - G.4 Chapter 7 - Guilty Secrets

As Rose sobbed in her arms the sickening guilt that had been boiling in Lillia’s belly began to climb her throat, the few mouthfuls of breakfast she had managed threatening to make a comeback. After a broken night’s sleep she had timidly gone to Rose’s room, half-expecting to be greeted by a storm of accusations and abuse and the other half of her hoping that her cousin would be elsewhere.

Instead she was pulled in by a heartbroken Rose. She had just got off the phone with Anoki expecting their fight to have dissolved in the cold light of day but he had told her it was over, that she should move on, that he didn’t and couldn’t love her. It was brutal, final and it meant that Lillia would have to tell Rose the truth herself or deceive her cousin forever. 

Her long-practiced numbness and refusal to accept blame or judgement warred in her head with the terrifying new plan of honesty and kindness, it was a moment where she could continue to be what she had been or truly begin to change.

Lillia drew a deep breath and prepared herself to finally start doing the right thing.

‘Rose….’ She began, determination holding up her flagging courage. ‘There’s something I need to tell you.’

Her cousin turned her tearstained face to Lillia and nodded,

‘Okay, but can you tell me on the drive home? I can’t be in this place any more, it all reminds me of him.’ Lillia nodded, the coward in her relieved and the rest of her reasoning that she should get Rose back to the comforting arms of her family before causing her more pain. But she would tell her. Just not now.

Rose rallied on the drive home, each mile they put between Arizona and themselves she sat a little straighter and was soon planning a summer full of distractions and trips. Lillia let her talk, her secret bitter on the tip of her tongue and her mind working to figure out whether it was best to crush Rose while she was already down or go along with her planning and tell her when she was less fragile.

Her internal battle carried Lillia all the way back to Lucky Palms and suddenly she was among people who didn't see the self-centred mean girl, here she was the sensible daughter, the heiress and the good cousin. Her family's pride in her success at college, their sympathy for Rose's heartbreak and their pleasure at being together again made up Lillia's mind.

As sickening as what she had done was... It was only a kiss. Telling Rose would ruin her summer just as Noki had ruined her year. The family would be shaken, fractured perhaps and Lillia was determined not only to make everyone proud it also to become the young woman they believed her to be.

The little voice in her head told her that turning over a new leaf wouldn't make it right, that she should come clean and then make good, but it was summer, they were hundreds of miles from the scene of the crime and Lillia would make sure that she was the best friend Rose could ask for. Then she would be sure to forgive her when the right moment finally arrived for the truth to be known.

The summer passed in a flurry of beautiful days and balmy nights. Rose and Lillia were as inseparable as they had been as children, lying in the sun for hours and giggling about their past exploits, moaning about Daisy's two-faced ways ad tossing a frisbee around. 

The days were as golden as their tans and Rose soon put Noki to the side and fell into a summer fling, laughing that Lillia should double date with her. And she had tried.

She had put on her prettiest dress and a flirty smile and gone to dinner, let them hold her too close on the dance floor and taken a deep breath before running when they went to kiss her. But with each one the same thing was missing as always had been. Now that Lillia knew the breathlessness of losing herself in a moment, had felt the heat of a stolen glance and the enticing uncertainty of a conversation laced with hidden meaning, returning to those old days of meaningless flings was impossible. Even as she fought to forget him and worked to undo the damage her own foolishness had caused, Noki was constantly in her thoughts.

She and Rose never discussed him, it was like he had never existed and she began to wonder if her plan to one day tell Rose would be necessary. But when Lillia was alone in her bed she couldn't keep her mind off what had happened, he was constantly in her dreams and she knew that even if Rose was truly over her heartbreak the truth still needed to be told. Until the past was truly behind her Lillia would never completely be the new person she wanted to be

And she was truly beginning to change.

She spent time helping at the brasserie, a task she'd always avoided with care, spending time with her parents and trying to make their lives easier. She spent time with Eva, looked after Flynn and took him to the skate park that he was obsessed with when his parents were to busy to. She studied, let Casper teach her chess, got to know Tia properly. All the little things Lillia had always sneered at and avoided when she was letting the Flowers steer her she tried out and found that most she actually enjoyed.

For the first time since her accident Lillia began to feel like a whole person. It seemed that her anger and fear had pushed her to fill the gap in her life with more of the things that were right in front of her instead of looking for new opportunities and things to hold on to. Buoyed by this one evening she went outside to the pool, the scene of the crime, hoping that maybe she would be able to put that demon behind her as well.

The water sparkled in the moonlight, the gentle lap of the waves against the tiles sounded so familiar and Lillia approached with her breath held. Just when she thought she was going to do it the panic seized her.

She felt as if she was about to pitch forward into the water and be dragged down. Tears streamed down her face and her breathing became ragged as she collapsed panting on the poolside.

That was how Rose found her, hunched over and heartbroken, for all of the mistakes she had made but even more resolute in her decision to change. The two sat in silence for a while before Rose asked if Lillia wanted to talk.

The summer was ending and Lillia knew that she was running out of time to come clean, she had worked so hard to be a better friend to Rose and the thought  of spoiling it was galling. But she had promised....

'I don't want you to hate me Rosie,' she began, hesitating over how best to dull the pain of her confession for her friend.

Rose just looked confused before responding with a joke,

'I don't hate you Lillia! Well not unless you copy my dress or steal my boyfriend anyway!'

Lillia smiled weakly as the sick feeling in her stomach intensified in to a solid brick of fear. She tried to force the words around it, to make her mouth form the harsh truth but in the wake of her cousins throwaway comment she just couldn't bring herself to destroy them both.

'Lillia?' Rose cut into her thoughts, her tone concerned. 'What's wrong?'

Lillia shook her head to clear the panic and pasted on a bright smile, for once glad that she was so good at glossing over an awkward situation with a false happiness.

'Oh nothing,' she responded, furious at her cowardice even as she admitted to herself what she should have known from the beginning, she couldn't, no wouldn't, tell Rose about Noki. It was in the past and she was building a new future, what was one more regret when she already lived with so many from her years of misbehaving. That chapter was officially over.

'You know I would never do anything to deliberately hurt you right?' was her only concession to the truth.

Rose rolled her eyes.

'I know that! Well except that one time you made me get a Brazilian! Now let's go out dancing, one last night before the packing begins.'

Lillia let her cousin drag her away, giving in once more to the current of what was expected of her but swearing to herself that from now on she would be living with her eyes open. There would be no more casualties with Lillia Monroe's name on them.

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Sometimes we are not masters of out own fate - Read on with Chapter 8 - Bad Penny

The Monroe Legacy - G.4. Chapter 6 - Irresistible

College, thought Lillia Monroe as she lay slightly hungover in bed one Saturday morning, was almost exactly like high school expect everyone was drunker. The same cliques existed, the same girls hooked up with the same guys, there were just no parents and more parties. At first, this familiarity was kind of a relief, Lillia slid easily into sorority life making a new group of friends which left her only mildly irritated by Daisy and Rose’s successful pledges.

The first semester flew by in a whirl, Lillia studied, dated and played her way to the top of the college social scene, her presence and perfect smile the mark of approval every fraternity hoped its party would earn. At first this was a great novelty but as her first year wore on Lillia began to feel that it was all rather meaningless. She was good in athletics but never going to be the best, she would pass all her courses but she wouldn’t be top and she could catch the most eligible guys at the school, but she couldn’t make herself fall for them.

As she heard the first sounds of life from the rest of the house she tried to summon the energy to get out of bed and seize the day, Carpe Diem, as her father was fond of saying when she was being lazy as a teen. And she really did try to make him proud. Lillia reminded herself daily as she put on her makeup how lucky she was, she was alive, pretty, popular and wealthy enough that money was never a concern – what excuse did she have to be miserable?

 But this morning was one of those mornings that wouldn’t be seized. Most days the dissatisfaction at her seemingly charmed life could be pushed down, Lillia was practiced at ignoring the tiny prickles of sadness that broke through her glossy, happy surface. Today the hurt seemed sharper and she had just snuggled back into her duvet when he burst through her door.

The stranger in her room was tall, broad, half naked and clearly still drunk. When she finally pulled her eyes away from his bronzed chest Lillia found the guy was staring at her with an amused smirk before drawling,

‘Hey gorgeous…like what you see?’

Lillia felt a hot flush burn her cheeks, nobody had ever had quite such an effect on her before, let alone presumed to speak to her with such obvious innuendo. Before she could think of a witty response Rose came barrelling in, her hair wild and also half-dressed.

‘Hey babe – did you get the wrong room?’ she said, padding over and wrapping her arm around the guys waist. ‘Lil this is Noki, Noki this is my cousin Lillia.’

Lillia’s scrambled brain took a moment to add all of the information up and adjust. Rose had been seeing a guy from the University of Texas for a couple of months now, the son of an infamous oil baron with something of a playboy reputation and now he was standing in Lillia’s room, a dangerous glint in his eye and looking pretty uninterested in the half naked girl draped all over him.

God he was beatif…no! Lillia mentally smacked herself, wondering what crazy facial expressions she must be making. Rose wasn’t just some girl, she was family and family absolutely do not have thoughts like those Lillia was trying to crush in to non-existence. 

Lillia was so engaged keeping her thoughts pure and her face neutral that she didn’t hear what else was said, only really processing that the couple in front of her were leaving. Just when she thought she had herself under control Noki turned around and winked, his eyes trailing lazily over what she now realised was a pretty flimsy nightdress.

‘I’ll see you around, Lily’ he said as the door began to swing closed/

Reflexively she called after him, ‘It’s LILLIA’, before realising that she shouldn't really care and collapsing back on her bed in defeat.

At least the interruption seemed to have shaken off her melancholy for the day.

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The rest of the school year passed pretty uneventfully, Lillia decided not to date until after finals, the run in with Rose's date giving her faith that when the right guy came along she would feel something more than the vague interest which had sustained her relationships to date. She studied harder than she ever had before, partially as a result of her realisation that she wouldn't be able to make a living as a sportswoman but also, and she was ashamed to admit it, to avoid Noki who seemed to be at their house more than anyone who went to school in Texas should be.

Noki,or Anoki as she had discovered his full name was, seemed to delight in making Lillia uncomfortable. Where usually she could glide through a social situation she found that with him in the room she often fumbled. He was quick to mock her, a sharp intelligence clearly underlying his snobby jock exterior, he never fawned over her as the other guys tended to and he treated her, and indeed the whole world, as if they were something of a joke to him.

Lillia's complaints to Rose that having Noki around so much was less than a delight fell on deaf ears. Her cousin might insist that they were casual, that neither of them wanted a commitment and that it was no big deal but her eyes told Lillia that she was infatuated with the guy and she always sprung to his defence.

At first Lillia thought that perhaps the distance that this opened up between her and Rose would be a good thing, she wouldn't have to deal with Noki so much but if anything the opposite was true. As term wound down and lectures gave way to parties and play he seemed to seek her out to continue his teasing.

Mostly Lillia could just toss her hair and go off with the nearest group of girlfriends or admirers whose steady admiration would smooth her ruffled feathers but their familiar company always felt somehow lacking after she had crossed swords with Noki, he was the only person she knew who would stand up to her. He was infuriating. He was enticing.

For maybe the first time in her life Lillia Monroe wasn't in control of the situation or of her emotions. The arms length that she kept everyone at didn't seem like enough with Noki, he pushed her buttons and every time she did the right thing and turned away from what seemed almost like flirting he would outmanoeuvre her and suck her back in. Lillia wasn't stupid, she'd seen the movies, read the books and she knew what kind of a guy he was, her head made all the right choices but her heart seemed to be pushing her towards a dangerous place.

It was strange really that it took her cousins bad-news sometimes-boyfriend to show Lillia what she had been doing for years. She'd never faltered in her pursuit of a guy before, even if was a passing fancy she had forged on with total disregard for his relationship status but seeing how tangled up in Noki Rose was, seeing how much his carelessness hurt someone she cared about stopped Lillia in her tracks. She had been a Noki to so many people, playing with their desires and fears to suit herself, keeping them guessing and casting them off when they began to bore her.

All of this time Lillia's harmless fun had only really been harmless to her, her place at the top had never been muddied by the messes she made. Looking at who she had become Lillia felt ashamed, she doubted that the fact she had never intended to hurt anyone absolved her of blame, if anything her obliviousness had made it worse, her cruelty had been careless and instinctive. It was ironic really that it took being exposed to a guy like Noki, took falling for someone who she could never respect and never have, to jolt Lillia out of her two-year stupor.

Lillia was surprised by the vividness of the emotions she felt, she was used to the dullness of her down days and the seething, frustrated pressure of her temper. The shame at who she had been, the excitement of the idea of Noki and the disappointing reality of the situation were like bright spots of spilled paint on a black and white picture. For the first time in a long time Lillia looked in the mirror and saw more than a familiar face, it wasn't all pretty but it was real.

Perhaps it would have been better if she had stayed numb for longer, perhaps the old Lillia would have considered herself above the Gamma bonfire party. She definitely wouldn't have done that last keg stand or taken that dare. 

The old Lillia might have been cold but she had been sensible and her control over her life had been absolute. She wouldn't have allowed her cousin to go home alone after a screaming drunken row with her sort of boyfriend when he told her it was over, she definitely wouldn't have felt guilty about her secret thrill at this news. She wouldn't have dropped her guard at a party, wouldn't have danced so freely, laughed so hard or dipped her toes in the hot tub (not even a whole Keg of beer could have got her all the way in the water.)

Most of all the old Lillia would never have played seven minutes in heaven with a bottle of tequila and the boy her cousin was in love with. 

When he kissed her she wouldn't have kissed him back. 

The feel of his hands pulling her to him and claiming his prize would have been unthinkable. 

It wouldn't have thrilled her.

The old Lillia would never have been found curled up and crying in the bathroom hating herself for what she had done, hating herself for ruining everything. Hating herself for loving him.

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Read Chapter 7 - Guilty Secret