The Monroe Legacy - G.4. Chapter 11 - Paying the Price

Authors Note - I'm so sorry for the long hiatus. I kind of fell out of love with this story because it just wasn't flowing, the save was laggy and RL got crazy. Then inspiration hit, I moved them to a new neighbourhood and life calmed down. I have a few chapters ready to go and I will henceforth be aiming to publish a chapter a week. Probably Monday or Tuesday.

Thanks for bearing with me :)

Rose XX

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'Rose! Wait!'

Lillia threw open the door and shouted at her cousin's retreating figure but Rose showed no sign of slowing.

'Please Rose!' Perhaps it was the pleading tone of her voice, perhaps Rose just wanted to confront them but this time she did stop, turning slowly to reveal tear streaked cheeks and blazing eyes.

'Fine' she spat. 'You have two minutes,' and with that she stalked back up the drive and through the door.

Noki stepped forward, his posture displaying his discomfort and voice laced with concern.

'Rose, it isn't what it looks like..'

'No! I'm not here to listen to you Anoki. I'm here for one reason and one reason only. So that Lillia can tell me the truth.'. In the face of Rose's fury Noki shrank back and Lillia, trying to compose herself stepped forwards.

'There's nothing going on between us Rose, I didn't even mean to come here but there was some stuff we needed to talk through. Stuff involving you.'

Rose's shoulder slumped.

'I knew it.' The rage was gone from her voice and sadness had taken it's place. 'Ever since Daisy told me last year that the two of you were getting it on I've watched for anything to make me believe her. I could ignore the little glances and you constantly trying to avoid talking about him. I almost had myself convinced that it was all just another one of Daisy's schemes. But she was right. Something did happen.'

Lillia nodded slowly, 'I kept trying to find a way to tell you. It was the end of year party and it was a huge mistake.'

Rose shook her head, 'No the huge mistake was me assuming that because we were related you would treat me any differently than those other innocent girls who got between you and something you wanted. The mistake was me believing that there was some of the Lillia I knew before the accident under that cold plastic exterior.'

Lillia couldn't find anything to rebut that. It stung but it was the truth after all, just as she'd feared that last loose thread of dishonesty had unravelled all the hard work she'd done to change into a person she wanted to be. Lillia was defeated but still Noki tried to defend her,

'It was just once and Lil was really drunk. Rose you have to believe us.'

'I don't have to believe anything you two say.' There was no understanding in those words, no hope of reconciliation. 'Once was one time to many. I hope you're happy Lillia, you just made an enemy of the last person on campus who was really on your side. You deserve him.'

And with that she turned and left.

Lillia and Noki stood side by side staring at the space she had left. Ten minutes ago they had seen a new friendship stretching before them and promised to help each other be better people. They had hoped for a resolution. How stupid it all seemed now.

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The awful thing about life in the sorority, thought Lillia, was that nothing had really changed. Before she had drifted past the low whispers and sideways looks assuming they were nothing to do with her. But Rose had stripped her of that illusion and now the dining hall was a minefield of hurtful words. Selfish, slut, traitor, fake, bitch. That was their favourite. She pretended not to hear it, that words didn't matter but seeing in Rose's face that her own cousin believed those things of her was heartbreaking.

Some days she would muster up the courage to confront them, drawing herself up and catapulting herself to heart of the noise, usually around Daisy, intending to demand they say those things to her face. But the second she was seated the smiles would snap into place and they'd chatter mindlessly about celebrities and fashion until she could bear the two-facedness no longer.

Worse still was the return home to Lucky Palms where the fair-weather friends of the party scene flocked to Rose's side and a frosty divide had set in between two branches of the Monroe family. Where once Gray, Jet and the other siblings had eaten en masse at the bistro at least weekly there was now nothing. The ranch was off limits because of Lillia and though Gray had assured her it would blow over, his tone suggested he wasn't impressed by her actions.

Rachel's reaction was worse yet. While Gray had largely avoided the topic except to confirm that what they had heard second hand (a full-blown affair spanning months) was not true, Lillia's mother had been unable to hide her disappointment. The morning after Lillia returned for spring break she found her mom with a serious expression and two cups of coffee waiting in an otherwise deserted house.

'Mom... I didn't mean to-',

'Stop there Lillia. You didn't mean to hurt your cousin. It was a mistake. We've all heard it a hundred times. And honestly I believe that you didn't mean to do it. The problem is that I think you don't mean to do a lot of the things you do, I blame myself and your father for part of that, I was always so proud to have a "popular" daughter that I assumed that the person I knew was the same one the rest of the world saw, even if the evidence didn't exactly support my view .'

Lillia hung her head and Rachel's tone softened slightly.

'Lillia honey, I know you didn't have an easy run of it, Eva's disappearance, the accident, your dad and I being so busy. You were always such a sweet child that we just let you do as you wanted, I never told you no or raised my concerns at first because they seemed silly and then because I didn't want to push you away or upset you. You were this beautiful and completely confusing teenager and I wanted to keep you close. It seemed to get worse when you went to University and I wondered if I should say something then but just when I got up the nerve you seemed to go back to being more like that little girl I used to know.'

'I've been trying mommy,' Lillia could barely hold back the tears, she could cope with everyone else hating her but knowing that her own mother had looked at her and seen a stranger was too much.

'I know baby.' Rachel's composure began to crumble too and she came to comfort her daughter. 'You're my daughter which means I notice that stuff. And you get as many do-overs as you need when it comes to me. I'll love you even if you decide to join the circus or move to Mongolia and become a monk. Which is why I had to talk to you now, before you get any further down whatever path you choose.

In this house you always have the chance to wipe the slate clean but that won't happen elsewhere. Most people won't give you the chance to figure it out and once you lose them it's over. Even that isn't always the end of the world, losing people is part of life, we leave the people we don't fit in with behind as we figure out who we are.

What you have to decide is who you want to be, not in terms of your job or your future prospects but in terms of what's in your heart, the things which truly matter to you. And then surround yourself with people who make you into that person, don't torment yourself over all the others who fall by the wayside. Figure out which people are worth fighting to have in your life and do whatever you can to hold on to them.'

'And if it's too late? If they already gave up on you?' Lillia's voice was unsteady.

Rachel smiled, 'Then you have to believe it isn't over.'

Lillia managed a watery smile in return. 'Okay.'

After gathering up the mugs and stacking the dishwasher Rachel looked over at where Lillia was still lost in thought.

'Hey Lil?'

'Hmmmmm?' was all she got back.

'How about my trendy daughter takes her old mom to the mall for a little girl time?'

Lillia finally focused back on the situation at hand, a mother daughter bonding day might be just what the doctor had ordered.

'Fine, but only if you promise never to use the word trendy ever again!' she laughed.

Read Chapter Gen 4 Chapter 12 - Now, Where Was I?

The Monroe Legacy - G.4 Chapter 8 - Bad Penny

Lillia's arrival at the sorority for her sophomore year was marked by a typical house party. The guys postured and pulled pranks, girls screamed, smiled plastic smiles and fluttered their fake lashes. After a summer around her laid back family Lillia was painfully aware of how shallow and meaningless it all was. While Rose threw herself back into the social scene with relish, Lillia tipped out the beer someone had passed her and refilled her solo cup with water.

The evening dragged by, she sipped her water, fended of a few over-eager lads and made small talk with all her friends. They were all so similar, so predictably boring. She found herself fighting to keep her mind off Noki.

If he was here he would have sought her out to mock the whole process, pointing out all the stupid proceedings and disasters about to happen. She would have laughed and vehemently rejected his pessimism whilst secretly agreeing with him. His ability to be part of a world while relentlessly criticising it was fascinating. It was one of the reasons she had fall.... No. That was the past and she wouldn't repeat those mistakes even in her mind. Lillia blushed recalling her last college party and how it had ended.

'Ooh! Who are you daydreaming about?!'

A familiar and unwelcome voice brought Lillia back into the room.

'Oh hi Daisy!', she plastered on a fake smile as she hugged her friend gingerly. The two had drifted apart since college began with Lillia being accepted by sorority royalty and Daisy never making out if the ranks of the bitchy wannabes. As the hug broke apart Lillia caught a glint of something in her friends eye, a smugness she hadn't seen since Daisy had run the high school popular crowd.

'So who were you thinking of? Brad? Mugsy?' Daisy's tone was innocent but the glint was still in her eye.

Lillia shrugged. 'Nobody in particular, it's just exciting to be back I guess.' She tried to walk away but Daisy wasn't done.

'Hmmm. If you say so... Though I'm not sure that just being back is reason to blush as much as you were doing.' For a moment it looked as the Daisy was going to keep on pushing but she abruptly changed tack.

'So what did you and Rose get up to this summer while I was in Maui?'

Relieved Lillia replied, 'Oh not much, the beach, a few clubs, the mall, movies, talking. You know how Lucky Palms is.'

'Oh I sure do! So you talked a lot. I expect it took Rosie a while to get over Noki.... Strange how months of happiness can be washed away so fast.'

Lillia stiffened. She didn't want to discuss that. 'Yes, Rose took it hard, it was a shock that it fell apart so quickly.'

'So fast.' Daisy leaned in with a wicked smile, 'In fact it only took seven minutes.'

As Daisy stepped back there was triumph written all over her face. Lillia's speechless horror had told her everything she needed to know and with one last smug smile she melted back into the crowd.

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For the next few weeks Lillia spent her days in a state of near-constant panic. Expecting Daisy to have told Rose she spent long hours in the library, avoiding the house wherever possible in the hope that her cousin might have at least calmed down a little before the inevitable confrontation. But the storm never hit and as the term got going Lillia gradually began to let her guard down. With Rose's time being divided between her many friends all over campus the two had drifted apart again which helped ease the guilty twinge that she couldn't ignore when they were together.

Months passed in a generic blur, broken up by moments of excitement (the annual Toga party) and stress (exams). Christmas came and went in a cinnamon scented haze and Lillia had just settled back into classes when the storm came. It was almost unheard of, on the edge of impossibility but that was the year that it snowed in Arizona! It might as well have been the apocalypse, classes were cancelled, girls cried and huddled in their rooms with cocoa and movies, the normal world of college just stopped for a week.

Lillia thought it was magical and while her sorority sisters huddled in the house she pulled on her coat and boots and explored the strangely alien frozen world that campus had become. The people who ventured out seemed different to the usual college types, their big coats, cold related small talk and red noses made it feel a friendlier place, more like a community than the normal set up of rigid cliques. To Lillia the whole college felt like new with all the reminders of stupid things she had done hidden under a clean white blanket. It felt like anything could happen, which is perhaps why the unthinkable did.

She had ventured out into the residential area behind the stadium and discovered a funny little house, painted all in yellow that stood out sharply in the white world. It seemed abandoned so she snuck up and peeked in the window, amused to discover that the interior was all be yellow too! As she stepped back she collided with something warm and solid, someone had come up behind her and caught her peeping.

Embarrassed Lillia muttered an apology and turned to leave without even looking whoever it was in the face. A hand on her sleeve made her stiffen but it was the familiar voice which really stopped her in her tracks.

'What a nice surprise!' His tone was jovial but it still did that dangerous brain muddling thing to her.

'Uh- oh.... Um....' was all she managed until his charming grin at her tongue-tiedness reminded her why she wasn't friends with him. Lillia took a steadying breath and began to walk away.

'Good bye Noki' was her only communication.

But he didn't get the hint, following her as she strode purposefully down the drive.

'Wait! Lillia! Can we talk?' Noki's long stride easily matched her own, drifting closer as the undeniable electricity between them rose back to the surface. But she was different now so she kept walking, raising her hand as he tried to step closer to her than she was comfortable with.

'There's nothing to talk about. Nothing at all. What are you even doing here? Go back to Texas!' As calm as Lillia was trying to stay she couldn't keep the edge of panic out of her voice. She needed for him, her biggest mistake, to be far away. But here he was, with a few miles of her home, he needed to go back and fast before he could break her defences back down or tell anyone what they had done.

But life had other plans and once again the stars were not aligned in Lillia's favour.

'This is where I live now,' Noki gestured back at the yellow house his tone had lost some of it's cockiness, 'I... I transferred schools. It's a long story, if you'll stop running away then I'll tell you the whole damn thing.'

For a moment Lillia paused! she could hear something in his voice she hadn't heard before. He sounded almost... Vulnerable. She shook herself. It didn't matter. She looked him squarely in the face, ignoring the hopefulness of his expression and spoke firmly, as much for herself as for him.

'I'm sorry but I can't, won't stay. Find another friend,' and repeating her earlier farewell she turned and left.

This time he didn't follow her.

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Read on in Chapter 9 - No More Hiding

The Monroe Legacy - G.4 Chapter 7 - Guilty Secrets

As Rose sobbed in her arms the sickening guilt that had been boiling in Lillia’s belly began to climb her throat, the few mouthfuls of breakfast she had managed threatening to make a comeback. After a broken night’s sleep she had timidly gone to Rose’s room, half-expecting to be greeted by a storm of accusations and abuse and the other half of her hoping that her cousin would be elsewhere.

Instead she was pulled in by a heartbroken Rose. She had just got off the phone with Anoki expecting their fight to have dissolved in the cold light of day but he had told her it was over, that she should move on, that he didn’t and couldn’t love her. It was brutal, final and it meant that Lillia would have to tell Rose the truth herself or deceive her cousin forever. 

Her long-practiced numbness and refusal to accept blame or judgement warred in her head with the terrifying new plan of honesty and kindness, it was a moment where she could continue to be what she had been or truly begin to change.

Lillia drew a deep breath and prepared herself to finally start doing the right thing.

‘Rose….’ She began, determination holding up her flagging courage. ‘There’s something I need to tell you.’

Her cousin turned her tearstained face to Lillia and nodded,

‘Okay, but can you tell me on the drive home? I can’t be in this place any more, it all reminds me of him.’ Lillia nodded, the coward in her relieved and the rest of her reasoning that she should get Rose back to the comforting arms of her family before causing her more pain. But she would tell her. Just not now.

Rose rallied on the drive home, each mile they put between Arizona and themselves she sat a little straighter and was soon planning a summer full of distractions and trips. Lillia let her talk, her secret bitter on the tip of her tongue and her mind working to figure out whether it was best to crush Rose while she was already down or go along with her planning and tell her when she was less fragile.

Her internal battle carried Lillia all the way back to Lucky Palms and suddenly she was among people who didn't see the self-centred mean girl, here she was the sensible daughter, the heiress and the good cousin. Her family's pride in her success at college, their sympathy for Rose's heartbreak and their pleasure at being together again made up Lillia's mind.

As sickening as what she had done was... It was only a kiss. Telling Rose would ruin her summer just as Noki had ruined her year. The family would be shaken, fractured perhaps and Lillia was determined not only to make everyone proud it also to become the young woman they believed her to be.

The little voice in her head told her that turning over a new leaf wouldn't make it right, that she should come clean and then make good, but it was summer, they were hundreds of miles from the scene of the crime and Lillia would make sure that she was the best friend Rose could ask for. Then she would be sure to forgive her when the right moment finally arrived for the truth to be known.

The summer passed in a flurry of beautiful days and balmy nights. Rose and Lillia were as inseparable as they had been as children, lying in the sun for hours and giggling about their past exploits, moaning about Daisy's two-faced ways ad tossing a frisbee around. 

The days were as golden as their tans and Rose soon put Noki to the side and fell into a summer fling, laughing that Lillia should double date with her. And she had tried.

She had put on her prettiest dress and a flirty smile and gone to dinner, let them hold her too close on the dance floor and taken a deep breath before running when they went to kiss her. But with each one the same thing was missing as always had been. Now that Lillia knew the breathlessness of losing herself in a moment, had felt the heat of a stolen glance and the enticing uncertainty of a conversation laced with hidden meaning, returning to those old days of meaningless flings was impossible. Even as she fought to forget him and worked to undo the damage her own foolishness had caused, Noki was constantly in her thoughts.

She and Rose never discussed him, it was like he had never existed and she began to wonder if her plan to one day tell Rose would be necessary. But when Lillia was alone in her bed she couldn't keep her mind off what had happened, he was constantly in her dreams and she knew that even if Rose was truly over her heartbreak the truth still needed to be told. Until the past was truly behind her Lillia would never completely be the new person she wanted to be

And she was truly beginning to change.

She spent time helping at the brasserie, a task she'd always avoided with care, spending time with her parents and trying to make their lives easier. She spent time with Eva, looked after Flynn and took him to the skate park that he was obsessed with when his parents were to busy to. She studied, let Casper teach her chess, got to know Tia properly. All the little things Lillia had always sneered at and avoided when she was letting the Flowers steer her she tried out and found that most she actually enjoyed.

For the first time since her accident Lillia began to feel like a whole person. It seemed that her anger and fear had pushed her to fill the gap in her life with more of the things that were right in front of her instead of looking for new opportunities and things to hold on to. Buoyed by this one evening she went outside to the pool, the scene of the crime, hoping that maybe she would be able to put that demon behind her as well.

The water sparkled in the moonlight, the gentle lap of the waves against the tiles sounded so familiar and Lillia approached with her breath held. Just when she thought she was going to do it the panic seized her.

She felt as if she was about to pitch forward into the water and be dragged down. Tears streamed down her face and her breathing became ragged as she collapsed panting on the poolside.

That was how Rose found her, hunched over and heartbroken, for all of the mistakes she had made but even more resolute in her decision to change. The two sat in silence for a while before Rose asked if Lillia wanted to talk.

The summer was ending and Lillia knew that she was running out of time to come clean, she had worked so hard to be a better friend to Rose and the thought  of spoiling it was galling. But she had promised....

'I don't want you to hate me Rosie,' she began, hesitating over how best to dull the pain of her confession for her friend.

Rose just looked confused before responding with a joke,

'I don't hate you Lillia! Well not unless you copy my dress or steal my boyfriend anyway!'

Lillia smiled weakly as the sick feeling in her stomach intensified in to a solid brick of fear. She tried to force the words around it, to make her mouth form the harsh truth but in the wake of her cousins throwaway comment she just couldn't bring herself to destroy them both.

'Lillia?' Rose cut into her thoughts, her tone concerned. 'What's wrong?'

Lillia shook her head to clear the panic and pasted on a bright smile, for once glad that she was so good at glossing over an awkward situation with a false happiness.

'Oh nothing,' she responded, furious at her cowardice even as she admitted to herself what she should have known from the beginning, she couldn't, no wouldn't, tell Rose about Noki. It was in the past and she was building a new future, what was one more regret when she already lived with so many from her years of misbehaving. That chapter was officially over.

'You know I would never do anything to deliberately hurt you right?' was her only concession to the truth.

Rose rolled her eyes.

'I know that! Well except that one time you made me get a Brazilian! Now let's go out dancing, one last night before the packing begins.'

Lillia let her cousin drag her away, giving in once more to the current of what was expected of her but swearing to herself that from now on she would be living with her eyes open. There would be no more casualties with Lillia Monroe's name on them.

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Sometimes we are not masters of out own fate - Read on with Chapter 8 - Bad Penny

The Monroe Legacy - G.4. Chapter 6 - Irresistible

College, thought Lillia Monroe as she lay slightly hungover in bed one Saturday morning, was almost exactly like high school expect everyone was drunker. The same cliques existed, the same girls hooked up with the same guys, there were just no parents and more parties. At first, this familiarity was kind of a relief, Lillia slid easily into sorority life making a new group of friends which left her only mildly irritated by Daisy and Rose’s successful pledges.

The first semester flew by in a whirl, Lillia studied, dated and played her way to the top of the college social scene, her presence and perfect smile the mark of approval every fraternity hoped its party would earn. At first this was a great novelty but as her first year wore on Lillia began to feel that it was all rather meaningless. She was good in athletics but never going to be the best, she would pass all her courses but she wouldn’t be top and she could catch the most eligible guys at the school, but she couldn’t make herself fall for them.

As she heard the first sounds of life from the rest of the house she tried to summon the energy to get out of bed and seize the day, Carpe Diem, as her father was fond of saying when she was being lazy as a teen. And she really did try to make him proud. Lillia reminded herself daily as she put on her makeup how lucky she was, she was alive, pretty, popular and wealthy enough that money was never a concern – what excuse did she have to be miserable?

 But this morning was one of those mornings that wouldn’t be seized. Most days the dissatisfaction at her seemingly charmed life could be pushed down, Lillia was practiced at ignoring the tiny prickles of sadness that broke through her glossy, happy surface. Today the hurt seemed sharper and she had just snuggled back into her duvet when he burst through her door.

The stranger in her room was tall, broad, half naked and clearly still drunk. When she finally pulled her eyes away from his bronzed chest Lillia found the guy was staring at her with an amused smirk before drawling,

‘Hey gorgeous…like what you see?’

Lillia felt a hot flush burn her cheeks, nobody had ever had quite such an effect on her before, let alone presumed to speak to her with such obvious innuendo. Before she could think of a witty response Rose came barrelling in, her hair wild and also half-dressed.

‘Hey babe – did you get the wrong room?’ she said, padding over and wrapping her arm around the guys waist. ‘Lil this is Noki, Noki this is my cousin Lillia.’

Lillia’s scrambled brain took a moment to add all of the information up and adjust. Rose had been seeing a guy from the University of Texas for a couple of months now, the son of an infamous oil baron with something of a playboy reputation and now he was standing in Lillia’s room, a dangerous glint in his eye and looking pretty uninterested in the half naked girl draped all over him.

God he was beatif…no! Lillia mentally smacked herself, wondering what crazy facial expressions she must be making. Rose wasn’t just some girl, she was family and family absolutely do not have thoughts like those Lillia was trying to crush in to non-existence. 

Lillia was so engaged keeping her thoughts pure and her face neutral that she didn’t hear what else was said, only really processing that the couple in front of her were leaving. Just when she thought she had herself under control Noki turned around and winked, his eyes trailing lazily over what she now realised was a pretty flimsy nightdress.

‘I’ll see you around, Lily’ he said as the door began to swing closed/

Reflexively she called after him, ‘It’s LILLIA’, before realising that she shouldn't really care and collapsing back on her bed in defeat.

At least the interruption seemed to have shaken off her melancholy for the day.

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The rest of the school year passed pretty uneventfully, Lillia decided not to date until after finals, the run in with Rose's date giving her faith that when the right guy came along she would feel something more than the vague interest which had sustained her relationships to date. She studied harder than she ever had before, partially as a result of her realisation that she wouldn't be able to make a living as a sportswoman but also, and she was ashamed to admit it, to avoid Noki who seemed to be at their house more than anyone who went to school in Texas should be.

Noki,or Anoki as she had discovered his full name was, seemed to delight in making Lillia uncomfortable. Where usually she could glide through a social situation she found that with him in the room she often fumbled. He was quick to mock her, a sharp intelligence clearly underlying his snobby jock exterior, he never fawned over her as the other guys tended to and he treated her, and indeed the whole world, as if they were something of a joke to him.

Lillia's complaints to Rose that having Noki around so much was less than a delight fell on deaf ears. Her cousin might insist that they were casual, that neither of them wanted a commitment and that it was no big deal but her eyes told Lillia that she was infatuated with the guy and she always sprung to his defence.

At first Lillia thought that perhaps the distance that this opened up between her and Rose would be a good thing, she wouldn't have to deal with Noki so much but if anything the opposite was true. As term wound down and lectures gave way to parties and play he seemed to seek her out to continue his teasing.

Mostly Lillia could just toss her hair and go off with the nearest group of girlfriends or admirers whose steady admiration would smooth her ruffled feathers but their familiar company always felt somehow lacking after she had crossed swords with Noki, he was the only person she knew who would stand up to her. He was infuriating. He was enticing.

For maybe the first time in her life Lillia Monroe wasn't in control of the situation or of her emotions. The arms length that she kept everyone at didn't seem like enough with Noki, he pushed her buttons and every time she did the right thing and turned away from what seemed almost like flirting he would outmanoeuvre her and suck her back in. Lillia wasn't stupid, she'd seen the movies, read the books and she knew what kind of a guy he was, her head made all the right choices but her heart seemed to be pushing her towards a dangerous place.

It was strange really that it took her cousins bad-news sometimes-boyfriend to show Lillia what she had been doing for years. She'd never faltered in her pursuit of a guy before, even if was a passing fancy she had forged on with total disregard for his relationship status but seeing how tangled up in Noki Rose was, seeing how much his carelessness hurt someone she cared about stopped Lillia in her tracks. She had been a Noki to so many people, playing with their desires and fears to suit herself, keeping them guessing and casting them off when they began to bore her.

All of this time Lillia's harmless fun had only really been harmless to her, her place at the top had never been muddied by the messes she made. Looking at who she had become Lillia felt ashamed, she doubted that the fact she had never intended to hurt anyone absolved her of blame, if anything her obliviousness had made it worse, her cruelty had been careless and instinctive. It was ironic really that it took being exposed to a guy like Noki, took falling for someone who she could never respect and never have, to jolt Lillia out of her two-year stupor.

Lillia was surprised by the vividness of the emotions she felt, she was used to the dullness of her down days and the seething, frustrated pressure of her temper. The shame at who she had been, the excitement of the idea of Noki and the disappointing reality of the situation were like bright spots of spilled paint on a black and white picture. For the first time in a long time Lillia looked in the mirror and saw more than a familiar face, it wasn't all pretty but it was real.

Perhaps it would have been better if she had stayed numb for longer, perhaps the old Lillia would have considered herself above the Gamma bonfire party. She definitely wouldn't have done that last keg stand or taken that dare. 

The old Lillia might have been cold but she had been sensible and her control over her life had been absolute. She wouldn't have allowed her cousin to go home alone after a screaming drunken row with her sort of boyfriend when he told her it was over, she definitely wouldn't have felt guilty about her secret thrill at this news. She wouldn't have dropped her guard at a party, wouldn't have danced so freely, laughed so hard or dipped her toes in the hot tub (not even a whole Keg of beer could have got her all the way in the water.)

Most of all the old Lillia would never have played seven minutes in heaven with a bottle of tequila and the boy her cousin was in love with. 

When he kissed her she wouldn't have kissed him back. 

The feel of his hands pulling her to him and claiming his prize would have been unthinkable. 

It wouldn't have thrilled her.

The old Lillia would never have been found curled up and crying in the bathroom hating herself for what she had done, hating herself for ruining everything. Hating herself for loving him.

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Read Chapter 7 - Guilty Secret