College, thought Lillia Monroe as she lay slightly hungover in bed one Saturday morning, was almost exactly like high school
expect everyone was drunker. The same cliques existed, the same girls hooked up
with the same guys, there were just no parents and more parties. At first, this
familiarity was kind of a relief, Lillia slid easily into sorority life making
a new group of friends which left her only mildly irritated by Daisy and Rose’s successful pledges.
The first semester flew by in a whirl, Lillia studied, dated
and played her way to the top of the college social scene, her presence and
perfect smile the mark of approval every fraternity hoped its party would earn.
At first this was a great novelty but as her first year wore on Lillia began to
feel that it was all rather meaningless. She was good in athletics but never going to be the best, she would pass all her courses but she wouldn’t be top and she could catch the most eligible guys at the school, but she couldn’t make herself fall for them.
As she heard the first sounds of life from the
rest of the house she tried to summon the energy to get out of bed and seize the day, Carpe
Diem, as her father was fond of saying when she was being lazy as a teen. And
she really did try to make him
proud. Lillia reminded herself daily as she put on her
makeup how lucky she was, she was alive, pretty, popular and wealthy enough
that money was never a concern –
what excuse did she have to be miserable?
But this
morning was one of those mornings that wouldn’t be seized. Most days the dissatisfaction at her seemingly charmed
life could be pushed down, Lillia was practiced at ignoring the tiny prickles of sadness that broke
through her glossy, happy surface. Today the hurt seemed sharper and she had
just snuggled back into her duvet when he burst through her door.
The stranger in her room was tall, broad, half
naked and clearly still drunk. When she finally pulled her eyes away from his
bronzed chest Lillia found the guy was staring at her with an amused smirk
before drawling,
‘Hey gorgeous…like what you see?’
Lillia felt a hot flush burn her cheeks, nobody
had ever had quite such an effect on her before, let alone presumed to speak to her with such
obvious innuendo. Before she could think of a witty response Rose came
barrelling in, her hair wild and also half-dressed.
‘Hey babe –
did you get the wrong room?’ she said, padding over and wrapping her arm around the guys waist. ‘Lil this is Noki, Noki this is my cousin Lillia.’
Lillia’s
scrambled brain took a moment to add all of the information up and adjust. Rose had been seeing a
guy from the University of Texas for a couple of months now, the son of an
infamous oil baron with something of a playboy reputation and now he was
standing in Lillia’s room, a dangerous glint in his
eye and looking pretty uninterested in the half naked girl draped all over him.
God he was beatif…no!
Lillia mentally smacked herself, wondering what crazy facial expressions she
must be making. Rose wasn’t just some girl, she was family
and family absolutely do not have thoughts like those Lillia was trying to
crush in to non-existence.
Lillia was so engaged keeping her thoughts pure and
her face neutral that she didn’t hear what else was said, only
really processing that the couple in front of her were leaving. Just when she
thought she had herself under control Noki turned around and winked, his eyes
trailing lazily over what she now realised was a pretty flimsy nightdress.
‘I’ll see you around, Lily’ he said as the door began to swing closed/
Reflexively she called after him, ‘It’s LILLIA’, before realising that she shouldn't really
care and collapsing back on her bed in defeat.
At least the interruption
seemed to have shaken off her melancholy for the day.
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The rest of the school year
passed pretty uneventfully, Lillia decided not to date until after finals, the
run in with Rose's date giving her faith that when the right guy came along she
would feel something more than the vague interest which had sustained her relationships
to date. She studied harder than she ever had before, partially as a result of
her realisation that she wouldn't be able to make a living as a sportswoman but
also, and she was ashamed to admit it, to avoid Noki who seemed to be at their
house more than anyone who went to school in Texas should be.
Noki,or Anoki as she had
discovered his full name was, seemed to delight in making Lillia uncomfortable.
Where usually she could glide through a social situation she found that with
him in the room she often fumbled. He was quick to mock her, a sharp
intelligence clearly underlying his snobby jock exterior, he never fawned over
her as the other guys tended to and he treated her, and indeed the whole world,
as if they were something of a joke to him.
Lillia's complaints to Rose
that having Noki around so much was less than a delight fell on deaf ears. Her
cousin might insist that they were casual, that neither of them wanted a
commitment and that it was no big deal but her eyes told Lillia that she was infatuated
with the guy and she always sprung to his defence.
At first Lillia thought
that perhaps the distance that this opened up between her and Rose would be a
good thing, she wouldn't have to deal with Noki so much but if anything the
opposite was true. As term wound down and lectures gave way to parties and play
he seemed to seek her out to continue his teasing.
Mostly Lillia could just
toss her hair and go off with the nearest group of girlfriends or admirers
whose steady admiration would smooth her ruffled feathers but their familiar
company always felt somehow lacking after she had crossed swords with Noki, he
was the only person she knew who would stand up to her. He was infuriating. He
was enticing.
For maybe the first time in
her life Lillia Monroe wasn't in control of the situation or of her emotions.
The arms length that she kept everyone at didn't seem like enough with Noki, he
pushed her buttons and every time she did the right thing and turned away from
what seemed almost like flirting he would outmanoeuvre her and suck her back
in. Lillia wasn't stupid, she'd seen the movies, read the books and she knew
what kind of a guy he was, her head made all the right choices but her heart
seemed to be pushing her towards a dangerous place.
It was strange really that
it took her cousins bad-news sometimes-boyfriend to show Lillia what she had
been doing for years. She'd never faltered in her pursuit of a guy before, even
if was a passing fancy she had forged on with total disregard for his relationship
status but seeing how tangled up in Noki Rose was, seeing how much his
carelessness hurt someone she cared about stopped Lillia in her tracks. She had
been a Noki to so many people, playing with their desires and fears to suit
herself, keeping them guessing and casting them off when they began to bore
her.
All of this time Lillia's
harmless fun had only really been harmless to her, her place at the top had
never been muddied by the messes she made. Looking at who she had become Lillia
felt ashamed, she doubted that the fact she had never intended to hurt anyone
absolved her of blame, if anything her obliviousness had made it worse, her
cruelty had been careless and instinctive. It was ironic really that it took
being exposed to a guy like Noki, took falling for someone who she could never
respect and never have, to jolt Lillia out of her two-year stupor.
Lillia was surprised by the
vividness of the emotions she felt, she was used to the dullness of her down
days and the seething, frustrated pressure of her temper. The shame at who she
had been, the excitement of the idea of Noki and the disappointing reality of
the situation were like bright spots of spilled paint on a black and white
picture. For the first time in a long time Lillia looked in the mirror and saw
more than a familiar face, it wasn't all pretty but it was real.
Perhaps it would have been
better if she had stayed numb for longer, perhaps the old Lillia would have
considered herself above the Gamma bonfire party. She definitely wouldn't have done
that last keg stand or taken that dare.
The old Lillia might have been cold but
she had been sensible and her control over her life had been absolute. She
wouldn't have allowed her cousin to go home alone after a screaming drunken row
with her sort of boyfriend when he told her it was over, she definitely
wouldn't have felt guilty about her secret thrill at this news. She wouldn't
have dropped her guard at a party, wouldn't have danced so freely, laughed so
hard or dipped her toes in the hot tub (not even a whole Keg of beer could have
got her all the way in the water.)
Most of all the old Lillia
would never have played seven minutes in heaven with a bottle of tequila and
the boy her cousin was in love with.
When he kissed her she wouldn't have
kissed him back.
The feel of his hands pulling her to him and claiming his prize would have been
unthinkable.
It wouldn't have thrilled her.
The old Lillia would never
have been found curled up and crying in the bathroom hating herself for what
she had done, hating herself for ruining everything. Hating herself for loving
him.
