Once the snow melted it was easy to forget it had happened,
within a week all signs that it had ever been were gone and life moved on as
normal. Lillia half-hoped that her encounter with Noki had just been the result
of the winter madness but she soon started seeing him around campus and knew
that it wasn't the case.
Somehow it was a month before Rose realised he was there, perhaps
he had started out in another social circle to them but soon enough, after a
big football game which ASU won in style, he appeared at their house for the
victory party. Eyes skating across Lillia without pause he focused on Rose
whose jaw had dropped and face had blanched even as she hung round the neck of
her latest jock boyfriend. He strode across and said something quietly to the
pair before leading Rose off to a nearby bedroom and closing the door behind
them.
Lillia was staggered, even for Rose that was slutty and even for
Noki that was fast! She tried not to watch the door for their reappearance wishing for once that she was
drunk and could just put it aside and party. Ever since the start of the year she'd been
successfully avoiding the shoddy choices that alcohol seemed to inspire her to
make but right now a warm flat beer and a night of frivolity seemed pretty
appealing.
A few minutes later Rose and Noki emerged, neither of them
bearing any signs of a passionate moment, in fact they seemed... almost.... friendly?
As her cousin made her way over Lillia tried to play it cool, not
sure what might have been said or how much she was supposed to know about his presence on campus.
'So Anoki transferred to ASU', Rose began, her nonchalant tone confirming that he hadn't given Lillia away.
Lillia shrugged, 'Oh really? It seems like kind of a random move.
Does that mean he wants you back?'
It was Rose's turn to shrug, 'I think we're both in a different
place now, I actually really like Mugsy,' she gestured over at the guy waiting for her patiently but a little worriedly. 'Besides I don't think he
wants me back either, he just wanted to apologise for the way he handled the
thing between us. I was pretty surprised to be honest but he said he'd met someone
who made him see things differently and he knew he needed to make things right
with us. Whatever I guess! I wonder who this mystery person is though, I never
thought Noki was capable of being anything less than totally self-centred!'
With this Rose excused herself and made her way over to Mugsy. As
she laced her arms around his waist Lillia saw relief etched on all of his
features, despite all the drama this guy cared a lot for her cousin and as much
as she wanted to be happy for her, Lillia was jealous.
She skirted the edges of the party, resisting the urge to drown
her sorrows and dwelling on Rose's words. She was impressed that Noki had
apologised, relieved that he hadn't given her secret away and curious as to who
it was that had inspired him to try to change. A little voice in Lillia's head
wondered if it might of been her but she ignored it, it was impossible. Their
little encounter would barely have registered in the midst of his string of
conquests and they were too alike to learn from each other. Besides she didn't
care what he did or didn't think anymore. Right?
The night wore on and Rose and Mugsy were glued together on the dancefloor as Lillia
sipped her soda only to spit it out at the sight of Daisy,
dressed in her sluttiest dress whispering something in a smirking Noki's ear with her eyes
fixed triumphantly on Lillia. Enough was enough and Lillia turned without
reacting and retreated to her bedroom, she knew how that situation ended and
she didn't need to see it happen.
The next day at breakfast Lillia wasn't surprised when Daisy came
and sat beside her, the girl never missed an opportunity to revel in the
discomfort of others.
'Quite a party last night right?' She giggled.
Lillia shrugged, 'I guess. I was kinda tired to be honest, off in
my own world.'
'Lucky you,' Lillia's tone was flat and disinterested as she stared
fixedly at her plate.
But Daisy was never one to let it go! 'Yeah, Anoki sure is a
stud, but then I don't need to tell you guys that do I!'
Lillia was determined not to react but couldn't stop the blush
from spreading across her cheeks. Sensing victory Daisy took a breath to
deliver a killing blow when the scrape of a chair caused her to pause and
another player entered the ring.
'I don't know what you'd know about my talents Daisy!' Noki's
drawl had a hard edge to it and it was Daisy's turn to blush. 'Bitchy isn't
exactly my type as I told you on the dance floor last night.'
Daisy looked as if she'd been hit, opening and shutting her mouth
she looked about the table for someone to come to her aid and when she saw only
people trying not to laugh at her she pushed her chair back and rushed out of
the room.
'That was mean', Lillia muttered trying to keep the glee she felt
at Daisy finally getting a taste of her own poisonous medicine off her face.
'Daisy's mean!' was Noki's only response, 'besides I wouldn't want
anyone here thinking that I spent the night anywhere other than on your
ridiculously uncomfortable sofa. I think
whoever deigned that thing was a masochist.'
As the atmosphere in the dining room settled back down to the
usual post-party banter Lillia couldn't help glancing across at Noki from under
her eyelashes. Perhaps she was imagining things but she could have sworn that
he'd looked right at her when he'd said "anyone here". It
sounded almost like he wanted her to know the truth.
But that was the kind of wishful thinking that would get her in
trouble, the kind she had sworn to leave behind her. As soon as she was finish
she'd with her waffles Lillia retreated out of the danger zone and up to the
safe space that was her room but even her little sanctuary seemed too risky
with Noki in the house. Grabbing her purse Lillia rushed out for a walk to clear
her head.
Lost in her own thoughts she paid no attention to where she was
going, just remembering to put one foot in front of another was as much as she
could do. Her head was filled with unanswered questions, what might Daisy do to
get back at them after they'd embarrassed her? That small victory at breakfast
was sure to cost them dearly once she'd recovered from the embarrassment. Might
now be the right time to tell Rose, if she was happy with Mugsy that could
soften the blow? Would she even get the chance if Daisy decided to make good on
her threat?
It felt as if the last few months of buried worries had all been
building up to this moment and Lillia was beginning to realise that she might
have left it too late to fix things. She'd been telling herself that she was
different to before, that she had changed for the better but she hadn't actually made anything right. If she had been honest then Daisy wouldn't have any
ammunition, perhaps she would have lost Rose but it could have been decided
between the two of them. Even Noki had had the balls to apologise for his mistakes, while she'd just tried to pretend they were over with.
The more she thought of it the clearer it was. Those miserable
few months had not really been about being a better person, Lillia had just been
punishing herself as if somehow that would wipe the slate clean. But it hadn't
made her feel any better because she hadn't sucked out the poisonous secret at the root of it all, she'd held on to the lie and the betrayal, concealing it behind a falsely sweet
demeanour and hating herself for it. Lillia might have changed
but not for the better, now instead of hurting others she was just lying to them and hurting
herself.
It had to stop.
Pulling out her phone she fired off a text to Rose, asking if
they could talk alone that evening and as she pressed send she felt light with
relief that it would soon be over.
Glancing around to see where her aimless wander had landed her
she saw yellow up ahead and realised she'd was in the road where Noki lived. The drive
was empty but as she turned to go home she heard an engine approaching. Ignoring
her instinct to duck into the bushes in case it was Noki she continued to walk
steadily into the blinding lights of the oncoming car. She was done
with hiding from her demons.
The car slowed beside her and Noki wound down his window, his brows
tight with confusion.
'Lillia? How'd you get all the way over here?'
Lillia shrugged, 'I walked, I needed some air.'
Noki turned off the engine and nodded, getting out of the car.
'I know that feeling. Look I know I'm not your favourite person
but I'd really like to talk to you. I looked for you after breakfast but you'd
gone. I'm not going to try anything, I just... Well I'd just like to sort
things out between us so we can maybe be friends. I don't know if you remember but before that night we used to have fun talking? I'd like that back.'
The mix of emotions in his voice echoed those which had been swirling
in Lillia's head just minutes before. There was hope, hesitation and an edge of
desperation. Perhaps she wasn't the only one trying to figure things out.
For an answer Lillia waked around and got in the passenger seat.
'I think a conversation is long overdue.'
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