"Of course you're here." Lillia didn't care that her voice carried a little too far across the empty terrace. "It's 5AM Noki, do not try me".
He crooked an eyebrow but otherwise didn't react to her harsh welcome.
"Hello Lillia. It's nice to see you too. I know it's early but your mum told me that you finish at 6 and I would really like for us to talk when you're done? I wanted to give you some time to think about it. I figured if I came at 6 you'd just run." Noki sounded the same as always, though the smug confidence that had carried him through college was gone.
He fidgeted on his chair.
Lillia frowned.
"You want me to think about whether or not I want to talk to you while I wait on you?"
Noki shrugged. "I can go wait somewhere? In the park round the corner? Come back at 6? Or I can stay, I promise I'll leave a good tip".
"I don't want anything from you!" It escaped before Lillia could realise what she was saying. Noki's eyes went big as she clapped a hand over her mouth. "What I mean is that I don't want to feel like I owe you a chat. I'll talk to you if I want to, not because you threw money at the problem. We're not in college any more and I'm trying to be different".
He nodded slowly. "You know I was jo- you know what never mind. I'll go wait in that park. Come by if you want to see me Lillia. I would - well - just do what you want okay?"
Lillia didn't watch to see if he looked back on his way out, wiping down the table with excessive vigour and dumping the cleaning kit back behind the bar. Sparky looked at her with the sort of kind curiosity she'd spent months trying not to attract.
"You wanna tell me why you're scaring off paying customers Miss Lil?" he asked.
She shook her head. "He's... just a guy things ended weirdly with Sparky and - ," Lillia's sentence hung unfinished as she stared at a spot on the counter, twisting a pen in her hands.
Sparky smiled, nodded, this made more sense than the nothing he'd had to go on before.
"Why don't you finish up a bit early? Go do what you need to. Mitch and I can handle things," he said, and then held his tongue and his neutral expression until Lillia had crumpled up her apron and dashed for the door.
She stood for a second, looking in the direction of the park, with a curious expression, then
got in her car and drove home as the sun rose over the desert.
'Talk to him. Today'
It was the first time Lillia had heard her cousins voice in months and Rose sounded pissed. Three days had passed since Noki had shown up at Sparky's and Lillia had spent them starting every time a car slowed in the street. She knew that he knew where she lived, and had expected him to show up sooner or later. He hadn't.
"Lillia Hallie Monroe? Are you listening to me? You'd better to be listening to me I SWEAR to-!"
"Rose?"
"WHAT!!" Her cousin was definitely pissed. But she was talking to her. Angrily, but still.
"Rose I'm confused? Who am I supposed to talk to? I know you're still mad at me but I'm really trying-"
"I know you're trying Lil", Rose looked exasperated, "I just don't know what you're trying? You leave me all these apology messages but I don't think you actually get why I'm mad at you. You clearly don't understand that I need some space to figure out who I am after everything that happened, coz if you did, Anoki Moon would not keep showing up at my work to try and talk to me about how sorry he is and how wretched he feels about ruining our cousin bond! It's bad enough being a woman in the fire service without having your ex show up all sad eyed and mopey - and he's making Mugsy nervous."
"I didn't ask him to do that Rose! I didn't even know he was in town until the other day. I want nothing to do with him! I just want to fix things with us!"
Rose looked at her cousin like she was an idiot.
"Who are you punishing Lil? Coz at the moment it feels like your bullshit is still dirtying up my doorstep. Fixing things between you and me has nothing to do with Noki. You wanna screw the guy? Marry him for all I care, but stop acting like ignoring people and the past makes up for shitty things you did.
"You kissing Noki seconds after we broke up? Not cool, but once I calmed down? What really pissed me off was that you lied to me for so long. Not just about the kiss but about how you felt about him. DON'T make that face at me! Don't lie to me.
"We were supposed to be best friends, family, Lil. I was happy with Mugsy, I
am happy with Mugsy. It would have been awkward but we could have talked about it. You could have told me.
Anything would have been better than finding out how I did, from Daisy, in a group, where she could watch me be betrayed and make fun of my feelings.
But you don't get it do you? You think that you'll get me back by shutting yourself away at that sad diner and being pathetic until I come back? I don't need that Lillia in my life, it's just another façade. I need the Lillia who fights honestly for what she wants, who knows what she deserves and tries to make things fair. I need the girl who tried to bring the nerds and the populars together in the high school canteen. The person who punched that kid for taking the piss out of the Special Ed class. The Lillia I want to be friends with would work her shit out with Noki, with herself and then tell me her plan.
"Then I'd tell her the plan was doomed to fail and we'd work it out together.
"Lil? A crappy thing happened to you when you were a teenager and you lost a few months of your memories, but that doesn't give you a free pass to do crappy things for the rest of your life. You had 15 years of other memories to tell you who you were, and if you only want to draw on the bad, sad ones that's on you - but I won't be there for it."
Lillia stood frozen, listening, fighting the powerful wave of shame and recognition that flooded her as Rose spoke. How was it she was surrounded by people who saw her so clearly while she was so clueless about herself. For a second a dark little voice whispered that Rose, her mother could have told her sooner, but she pushed it aside knowing she probably wouldn't have listened. She struggled for something to say.
"Rose - I'm-"
"Sorry?" Her cousin interrupted her half-formed thought, "I know you are, and if you did something about it we'd be able to start moving on. So can you please get out of my and your own way and go talk to that idiot man?"
Lillia squirmed, "I - can try. I don't know where to start." Rose rolled her eyes.
"Start out by hearing him out. Then tell him what you want. And if you don't know yet? Tell him that. Figure it out. It's a man, not a theoretical equation jeez cuz"
Lillia smirked in spite of it all.
"I can do that" She said, believing it.
Rose grinned back.
"Just keep him away from my station okay? And call me when you decide. We can talk about it"
Lillia smiled for real this time as her cousin turned to leave, feeling lighter than she had all summer. She rummaged in her purse for keys and started for her car when Rose called back from the other end of the lot.
"Give him a chance Lil. I won't say he's a good guy... but I think he might be working on being good enough for your sorry ass"
I cannot believe I could have been reading this in real time this whole time!!!
ReplyDeletePahahahahahaha eyeahhh it's a bit easier to read over here :D
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