As Rose sobbed in her arms the sickening guilt
that had been boiling in Lillia’s belly began to climb her
throat, the few mouthfuls of breakfast she had managed threatening to make a
comeback. After a broken night’s sleep she had timidly gone to
Rose’s room, half-expecting to be
greeted by a storm of accusations and abuse and the other half of her hoping that her cousin
would be elsewhere.
Instead she was pulled in by a heartbroken Rose. She had just got off the phone with Anoki expecting their fight to have
dissolved in the cold light of day but he had told her it was over, that she
should move on, that he didn’t and couldn’t love her. It was brutal, final and it meant that
Lillia would have to tell Rose the truth herself or deceive her cousin forever.
Her long-practiced numbness and refusal to accept blame or judgement warred in
her head with the terrifying new plan of honesty and kindness, it was a moment
where she could continue to be what she had been or truly begin to change.
Lillia drew a deep breath and prepared herself
to finally start doing the right thing.
‘Rose….’ She began, determination
holding up her flagging courage. ‘There’s something I need to tell you.’
Her cousin turned her tearstained face to Lillia
and nodded,
‘Okay, but can you tell me on the drive home? I can’t be in this place any more, it all reminds me of
him.’ Lillia nodded, the coward in
her relieved and the rest of her reasoning that she should get Rose back to the
comforting arms of her family before causing her more pain. But she would tell
her. Just not now.
Rose rallied on the drive home, each mile they
put between Arizona and themselves she sat a little straighter and was soon
planning a summer full of distractions and trips. Lillia let her talk, her
secret bitter on the tip of her tongue and her mind working to figure out
whether it was best to crush Rose while she was already down or go along with
her planning and tell her when she was less fragile.
Her internal battle carried
Lillia all the way back to Lucky Palms and suddenly she was among people who
didn't see the self-centred mean girl, here she was the sensible daughter, the
heiress and the good cousin. Her family's pride in her success at college,
their sympathy for Rose's heartbreak and their pleasure at being together again
made up Lillia's mind.
As sickening as what she
had done was... It was only a kiss. Telling Rose would ruin her summer just as
Noki had ruined her year. The family would be shaken, fractured perhaps and
Lillia was determined not only to make everyone proud it also to become the
young woman they believed her to be.
The little voice in her
head told her that turning over a new leaf wouldn't make it right, that she
should come clean and then make good, but it was summer, they were hundreds of
miles from the scene of the crime and Lillia would make sure that she was the
best friend Rose could ask for. Then she would be sure to forgive her when the
right moment finally arrived for the truth to be known.
The summer passed in a
flurry of beautiful days and balmy nights. Rose and Lillia were as inseparable
as they had been as children, lying in the sun for hours and giggling about
their past exploits, moaning about Daisy's two-faced ways ad tossing a frisbee
around.
The days were as golden as their tans and Rose soon put Noki to the
side and fell into a summer fling, laughing that Lillia should double date with
her. And she had tried.
She had put on her
prettiest dress and a flirty smile and gone to dinner, let them hold her too
close on the dance floor and taken a deep breath before running when they went to kiss her.
But with each one the same thing was missing as always had been. Now that
Lillia knew the breathlessness of losing herself in a moment, had felt the heat
of a stolen glance and the enticing uncertainty of a conversation laced with
hidden meaning, returning to those old days of meaningless flings was
impossible. Even as she fought to forget him and worked to undo the damage her
own foolishness had caused, Noki was constantly in her thoughts.
She and Rose never discussed
him, it was like he had never existed and she began to wonder if her plan to
one day tell Rose would be necessary. But when Lillia was alone in her bed she
couldn't keep her mind off what had happened, he was constantly in her dreams
and she knew that even if Rose was truly over her heartbreak the truth still
needed to be told. Until the past was truly behind her Lillia would never completely be the new person she wanted to be
And she was truly beginning
to change.
She spent time helping at
the brasserie, a task she'd always avoided with care, spending time with her
parents and trying to make their lives easier. She spent time with Eva, looked
after Flynn and took him to the skate park that he was obsessed with when his
parents were to busy to. She studied, let Casper teach her chess, got to know
Tia properly. All the little things Lillia had always sneered at and avoided
when she was letting the Flowers steer her she tried out and found that most
she actually enjoyed.
For the first time since
her accident Lillia began to feel like a whole person. It seemed that her anger
and fear had pushed her to fill the gap in her life with more of the things
that were right in front of her instead of looking for new opportunities and
things to hold on to. Buoyed by this one evening she went outside to the pool,
the scene of the crime, hoping that maybe she would be able to put that demon
behind her as well.
The water sparkled in the
moonlight, the gentle lap of the waves against the tiles sounded so familiar and
Lillia approached with her breath held. Just when she thought she was going to
do it the panic seized her.
She felt as if she was
about to pitch forward into the water and be dragged down. Tears streamed down
her face and her breathing became ragged as she collapsed panting on the
poolside.
That was how Rose found
her, hunched over and heartbroken, for all of the mistakes she had made but
even more resolute in her decision to change. The two sat in silence for a
while before Rose asked if Lillia wanted to talk.
The summer was ending and
Lillia knew that she was running out of time to come clean, she had worked so
hard to be a better friend to Rose and the thought of spoiling it was galling. But she had
promised....
'I don't want you to hate
me Rosie,' she began, hesitating over how best to dull the pain of her
confession for her friend.
Rose just looked confused
before responding with a joke,
'I don't hate you Lillia!
Well not unless you copy my dress or steal my boyfriend anyway!'
Lillia smiled weakly as the
sick feeling in her stomach intensified in to a solid brick of fear. She tried
to force the words around it, to make her mouth form the harsh truth but in the
wake of her cousins throwaway comment she just couldn't bring herself to
destroy them both.
'Lillia?' Rose cut into her
thoughts, her tone concerned. 'What's wrong?'
Lillia shook her head to
clear the panic and pasted on a bright smile, for once glad that she was so
good at glossing over an awkward situation with a false happiness.
'Oh nothing,' she
responded, furious at her cowardice even as she admitted to herself what she
should have known from the beginning, she couldn't, no wouldn't, tell Rose
about Noki. It was in the past and she was building a new future, what was one
more regret when she already lived with so many from her years of misbehaving.
That chapter was officially over.
'You know I would never do
anything to deliberately hurt you right?' was her only concession to the truth.
Rose rolled her eyes.
'I know that! Well except
that one time you made me get a Brazilian! Now let's go out dancing, one last
night before the packing begins.'
Lillia let her cousin drag
her away, giving in once more to the current of what was expected of her but
swearing to herself that from now on she would be living with her eyes open.
There would be no more casualties with Lillia Monroe's name on them.
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Sometimes we are not masters of out own fate - Read on with Chapter 8 - Bad Penny
