The Monroe Legacy - G.4. Chapter 10 - Shame, Blame and Change

They passed the few hundred meters back to the house in an awkward silence that carried them up the path and through the door. Once they were in Lillia was amused to see that her suspicions had been correct and the interior was just as yellow as the exterior. Everything was yellow, walls, floors, cushions and appliances.

Catching her grin Noki offered an explanation,

'It was my great-aunt Tilda's house, she always loved yellow but as she got older she got a little obsessive over it. She was a sweet lady though, always had time for me as a small boy and she left me this place when she died. I haven't had the heart to change anything except the truly horrifying yellow kitten painting in my bedroom!'

Lillia nodded,

'At least it's cheerful!'

This time when Noki laughed there was something off and it sounded tight and brittle,

'Right now I need that more than you know.'

The small talk dried up and the awkwardness was back. Lillia was torn between starting on what she wanted to discuss and checking if Noki was okay, there had been something different about him since his transfer and it sounded like the house situation was linked to whatever it was.

She was disturbed in her dilemma by an offer of coffee which gave a moment for Lillia to organise her thoughts. Five minutes later they were seated across from each other, drinks steaming and out of excuses to delay. Opening her mouth to start Lillia was surprised when Noki began.

'I want to start by saying sorry for my behaviour last year. I was incredibly selfish, I was there for Rose who was great but you were fascinating in a way I didn't know a woman could be. So I flirted, even when you pushed me back I persisted and then I exploited your moment of weakness to get what I wanted. I realised afterwards that it was meaningless because even for those few minutes I didn't really have the you I wanted. I had the party girl but not the brain behind her, that sharp humour and gentle sparring we always shared. So I'm sorry. Both for the taking advantage and for the chasing, it wasn't fair to you and it was wrong.' 

For a moment Lillia was so stunned by his honesty that she didn't know what to say. He was offering her an apology and an explanation that let her off the hook. She could just walk away now and with his confession make Rose believe that she was barely at fault.

It was tempting. But it would be wrong

'I really appreciate hearing your side of things Noki', she paused to gather her thoughts, 'but I can't accept your apology'. He began to protest but Lillia forged onwards.

'It's not that I don't appreciate it... I really do. But I can't accept you taking all of the blame. It takes two to tango and every moment you acted badly I matched. I was drunk that night but I wasn't unconscious. I knew what I was doing, knew what I wanted was wrong, I chose to betray my friend as much as you did. We both did a bad thing and we both owe an apology. Maybe to each other eventually but first to Rose. That's why I wanted to talk to you.'

Noki grimaced, 'You think we should tell her?'

'I know we should tell her.' Now she had decided it was so clear to Lillia that she should have spoken up months ago. 'And soon, before somebody else does. It sounds to me like you've been thinking about it as much as I have, trying to make it right but we can't truly put it behind us until we have told the truth. '

Noki nodded. He didn't look happy but he didn't look surprised either. Lillia couldn't put her finger on it but there was something different about him lately, he didn't have the same arrogant swagger he used to, he could fake it when he had to but when he relaxed he was a little subdued. She hesitated, not wanting to damage the fragile trust they'd begun to build.

'Noki.... You don't have to answer if you don't want to but I have to ask. Did something happen to change things for you. You just seem... Different lately. Quieter....'

'You mean I seem less like an entitled ass?' His tone was light but his eyes told another story.

Lillia nodded.

'I can't really pull it off these days, people don't like an entitled ass so much when he doesn't have the funds to back it up.'

Lillia was puzzled, 'I don't understand what that means?'

Noki looked away, 'It means I was disinherited, I did the one thing my father couldn't forgive me and now all I have left is this', he gestured at the house, 'and a small allowance from my mother's private account. Just enough for bills and tuition. I'm not heir to Moon Petroleum anymore, my sister is.'

'I do-don't know what to say', Lillia struggled for the right response. 'I'm so sorry! Will he change his mind?'

Noki shook his head. 'No. As he put it "after all I have overlooked, all I gave you, you deny me the one thing I have ever asked of you". I've never seen him that angry.'

They sat in silence for a little while and Lillia twisted a loose thread on her sleeve around her finger as the moment stretched out into awkwardness but she didn't speak; it felt like there was more to be said. Noki broke first.

'I suppose you want to know what I did?'

Lillia kept her tone neutral, she did want to know but she didn't want to pry. 'Only if you want to tell me.'

He considered a moment. 'I do. But it's kind of embarrassing.'

 'Ever since I was small I have known that my father wanted me to marry the daughter of his biggest competitor. Stella Sinclair was the ideal match for me, it was a good business decision, a merger between our families would make our conglomerate the biggest in the country, our families moved in the same circles and she was pretty, compliant and wouldn't make any trouble. I didn't mind at first, she was good company, she thought I was wonderful and didn't ask questions about our time apart. I figured I'd do as my father did, sow my wild oats at college then return home, marry the girl and run the company.

It was working fine, I was young and with it stupidly content to be wealthy, handsome and free. Stella was back home waiting, she never needed to know about what I did and she probably would have forgiven me anyway just for the sake of the life she had planned with me. But then it all changed.

Rose was great fun, we had a blast together but I knew it was just a fling and I thought she did too, I was never subtle about my other extra-curricular activities when I was with her. We would have run our course and it would have been another notch in my bedpost as I inched towards my pre-arranged life.

Then I met you. Right from the beginning you had something that got under my skin, it was infuriating but it was exciting.

It took a while for me to realise what it was that made you different but I worked it out eventually. You were my equal. 

Equally self-interested, equally adored but equally intelligent. We both knew how to make things happen, how to get what we wanted and when we collided... Well neither of us got our way. Rose was one of the few people you would put ahead of yourself, so you didn't get what you wanted. Your resistance to whatever spark was between us meant that I wasn't going to get what I wanted either.

So we stalled. We circled each other, burying our interest under banter and bickering and I assumed the spark would burn out. It always had before. When it didn't I had no idea what to do, so I stayed as close as I could, using Rose as a decoy and waiting for something to change. It did that night when you let me kiss you.'

Lillia blushed at the memory.

'The next day I woke up expecting to feel satisfied at my victory but that was when I realised it wasn't what I wanted any more. I didn't want one kiss, not even one night. I wanted the intrigue of everyday with somebody who was my equal. So I ended things with Rose, with all of my playthings and I went home to see if Stella could be that person for me. 

She couldn't. 

That wasn't all that changed, with my new eyes everything at home looked different.

My father rules everything, including my mother. I had always justified this with the assumption he had done as I planned to and ended his other affairs at their wedding, becoming her devoted partner and provider.  He had not. He lived a high risk, high reward kind of life where nothing, not even his family, was sacred. I realised I didn't want that, I wanted a chance at a life that meant something.

When I told my father I couldn't marry Stella he gave me a choice. I could be the man he raised me to be and be the Moon heir with Stella at my side. Or I could fend for myself. 

I chose me.'

He gestured around the room, 'Hence the former player in the yellow house trying to figure out the world.'  

Even not  having known much about Noki from before, Lillia could tell that this was a huge change and probably more difficult for him than he was making out.

'Your dad made the wrong choice', was all she could think to say. 'God knows that I don't know much about making good choices but I do know that when you tried to make a right choice, he made a wrong one. I hope it all works out in the end.'

Noki gave her a small, sad smile. 'Me too. I'm glad you don't think me an idiot. It isn't easy but I think despite the hurt I'm happier already. I'd like for us to be friends Lillia'.

She stiffened slightly, apprehensive. 'Just friends?'

He nodded. 'For now I think we both need to figure out ourselves before we try anything else.'

Relieved she nodded and smiled and felt a new lightness when he grinned back.

'Shake on it?' Lillia stuck out her hand and was surprised but not unpleasantly when Noki pulled her i to a bear hug.

'Sorry,' he said gruffly, 'I just...um.. Needed a hug I guess.'

He didn't notice when Lillia stiffened in his arms and he couldn't see her face to know that it had turned white.

'When shall we speak to Rose?' he asked as he stepped away.

Choking back her panic Lillia just pointed to the stricken face outside the window.

'I think we might be too late.'

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Read on now! Chapter 11 - Paying the Price