The Monroe Legacy - G.4. Chapter 10 - Shame, Blame and Change

They passed the few hundred meters back to the house in an awkward silence that carried them up the path and through the door. Once they were in Lillia was amused to see that her suspicions had been correct and the interior was just as yellow as the exterior. Everything was yellow, walls, floors, cushions and appliances.

Catching her grin Noki offered an explanation,

'It was my great-aunt Tilda's house, she always loved yellow but as she got older she got a little obsessive over it. She was a sweet lady though, always had time for me as a small boy and she left me this place when she died. I haven't had the heart to change anything except the truly horrifying yellow kitten painting in my bedroom!'

Lillia nodded,

'At least it's cheerful!'

This time when Noki laughed there was something off and it sounded tight and brittle,

'Right now I need that more than you know.'

The small talk dried up and the awkwardness was back. Lillia was torn between starting on what she wanted to discuss and checking if Noki was okay, there had been something different about him since his transfer and it sounded like the house situation was linked to whatever it was.

She was disturbed in her dilemma by an offer of coffee which gave a moment for Lillia to organise her thoughts. Five minutes later they were seated across from each other, drinks steaming and out of excuses to delay. Opening her mouth to start Lillia was surprised when Noki began.

'I want to start by saying sorry for my behaviour last year. I was incredibly selfish, I was there for Rose who was great but you were fascinating in a way I didn't know a woman could be. So I flirted, even when you pushed me back I persisted and then I exploited your moment of weakness to get what I wanted. I realised afterwards that it was meaningless because even for those few minutes I didn't really have the you I wanted. I had the party girl but not the brain behind her, that sharp humour and gentle sparring we always shared. So I'm sorry. Both for the taking advantage and for the chasing, it wasn't fair to you and it was wrong.' 

For a moment Lillia was so stunned by his honesty that she didn't know what to say. He was offering her an apology and an explanation that let her off the hook. She could just walk away now and with his confession make Rose believe that she was barely at fault.

It was tempting. But it would be wrong

'I really appreciate hearing your side of things Noki', she paused to gather her thoughts, 'but I can't accept your apology'. He began to protest but Lillia forged onwards.

'It's not that I don't appreciate it... I really do. But I can't accept you taking all of the blame. It takes two to tango and every moment you acted badly I matched. I was drunk that night but I wasn't unconscious. I knew what I was doing, knew what I wanted was wrong, I chose to betray my friend as much as you did. We both did a bad thing and we both owe an apology. Maybe to each other eventually but first to Rose. That's why I wanted to talk to you.'

Noki grimaced, 'You think we should tell her?'

'I know we should tell her.' Now she had decided it was so clear to Lillia that she should have spoken up months ago. 'And soon, before somebody else does. It sounds to me like you've been thinking about it as much as I have, trying to make it right but we can't truly put it behind us until we have told the truth. '

Noki nodded. He didn't look happy but he didn't look surprised either. Lillia couldn't put her finger on it but there was something different about him lately, he didn't have the same arrogant swagger he used to, he could fake it when he had to but when he relaxed he was a little subdued. She hesitated, not wanting to damage the fragile trust they'd begun to build.

'Noki.... You don't have to answer if you don't want to but I have to ask. Did something happen to change things for you. You just seem... Different lately. Quieter....'

'You mean I seem less like an entitled ass?' His tone was light but his eyes told another story.

Lillia nodded.

'I can't really pull it off these days, people don't like an entitled ass so much when he doesn't have the funds to back it up.'

Lillia was puzzled, 'I don't understand what that means?'

Noki looked away, 'It means I was disinherited, I did the one thing my father couldn't forgive me and now all I have left is this', he gestured at the house, 'and a small allowance from my mother's private account. Just enough for bills and tuition. I'm not heir to Moon Petroleum anymore, my sister is.'

'I do-don't know what to say', Lillia struggled for the right response. 'I'm so sorry! Will he change his mind?'

Noki shook his head. 'No. As he put it "after all I have overlooked, all I gave you, you deny me the one thing I have ever asked of you". I've never seen him that angry.'

They sat in silence for a little while and Lillia twisted a loose thread on her sleeve around her finger as the moment stretched out into awkwardness but she didn't speak; it felt like there was more to be said. Noki broke first.

'I suppose you want to know what I did?'

Lillia kept her tone neutral, she did want to know but she didn't want to pry. 'Only if you want to tell me.'

He considered a moment. 'I do. But it's kind of embarrassing.'

 'Ever since I was small I have known that my father wanted me to marry the daughter of his biggest competitor. Stella Sinclair was the ideal match for me, it was a good business decision, a merger between our families would make our conglomerate the biggest in the country, our families moved in the same circles and she was pretty, compliant and wouldn't make any trouble. I didn't mind at first, she was good company, she thought I was wonderful and didn't ask questions about our time apart. I figured I'd do as my father did, sow my wild oats at college then return home, marry the girl and run the company.

It was working fine, I was young and with it stupidly content to be wealthy, handsome and free. Stella was back home waiting, she never needed to know about what I did and she probably would have forgiven me anyway just for the sake of the life she had planned with me. But then it all changed.

Rose was great fun, we had a blast together but I knew it was just a fling and I thought she did too, I was never subtle about my other extra-curricular activities when I was with her. We would have run our course and it would have been another notch in my bedpost as I inched towards my pre-arranged life.

Then I met you. Right from the beginning you had something that got under my skin, it was infuriating but it was exciting.

It took a while for me to realise what it was that made you different but I worked it out eventually. You were my equal. 

Equally self-interested, equally adored but equally intelligent. We both knew how to make things happen, how to get what we wanted and when we collided... Well neither of us got our way. Rose was one of the few people you would put ahead of yourself, so you didn't get what you wanted. Your resistance to whatever spark was between us meant that I wasn't going to get what I wanted either.

So we stalled. We circled each other, burying our interest under banter and bickering and I assumed the spark would burn out. It always had before. When it didn't I had no idea what to do, so I stayed as close as I could, using Rose as a decoy and waiting for something to change. It did that night when you let me kiss you.'

Lillia blushed at the memory.

'The next day I woke up expecting to feel satisfied at my victory but that was when I realised it wasn't what I wanted any more. I didn't want one kiss, not even one night. I wanted the intrigue of everyday with somebody who was my equal. So I ended things with Rose, with all of my playthings and I went home to see if Stella could be that person for me. 

She couldn't. 

That wasn't all that changed, with my new eyes everything at home looked different.

My father rules everything, including my mother. I had always justified this with the assumption he had done as I planned to and ended his other affairs at their wedding, becoming her devoted partner and provider.  He had not. He lived a high risk, high reward kind of life where nothing, not even his family, was sacred. I realised I didn't want that, I wanted a chance at a life that meant something.

When I told my father I couldn't marry Stella he gave me a choice. I could be the man he raised me to be and be the Moon heir with Stella at my side. Or I could fend for myself. 

I chose me.'

He gestured around the room, 'Hence the former player in the yellow house trying to figure out the world.'  

Even not  having known much about Noki from before, Lillia could tell that this was a huge change and probably more difficult for him than he was making out.

'Your dad made the wrong choice', was all she could think to say. 'God knows that I don't know much about making good choices but I do know that when you tried to make a right choice, he made a wrong one. I hope it all works out in the end.'

Noki gave her a small, sad smile. 'Me too. I'm glad you don't think me an idiot. It isn't easy but I think despite the hurt I'm happier already. I'd like for us to be friends Lillia'.

She stiffened slightly, apprehensive. 'Just friends?'

He nodded. 'For now I think we both need to figure out ourselves before we try anything else.'

Relieved she nodded and smiled and felt a new lightness when he grinned back.

'Shake on it?' Lillia stuck out her hand and was surprised but not unpleasantly when Noki pulled her i to a bear hug.

'Sorry,' he said gruffly, 'I just...um.. Needed a hug I guess.'

He didn't notice when Lillia stiffened in his arms and he couldn't see her face to know that it had turned white.

'When shall we speak to Rose?' he asked as he stepped away.

Choking back her panic Lillia just pointed to the stricken face outside the window.

'I think we might be too late.'

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Read on now! Chapter 11 - Paying the Price

The Monroe Legacy - G.4. Chapter 9 - No More Hiding

Once the snow melted it was easy to forget it had happened, within a week all signs that it had ever been were gone and life moved on as normal. Lillia half-hoped that her encounter with Noki had just been the result of the winter madness but she soon started seeing him around campus and knew that it wasn't the case. 

Somehow it was a month before Rose realised he was there, perhaps he had started out in another social circle to them but soon enough, after a big football game which ASU won in style, he appeared at their house for the victory party. Eyes skating across Lillia without pause he focused on Rose whose jaw had dropped and face had blanched even as she hung round the neck of her latest jock boyfriend. He strode across and said something quietly to the pair before leading Rose off to a nearby bedroom and closing the door behind them.

Lillia was staggered, even for Rose that was slutty and even for Noki that was fast! She tried not to watch the door for their reappearance wishing for once that she was drunk and could just put it aside and party. Ever since the start of the year she'd been successfully avoiding the shoddy choices that alcohol seemed to inspire her to make but right now a warm flat beer and a night of frivolity seemed pretty appealing.

A few minutes later Rose and Noki emerged, neither of them bearing any signs of a passionate moment, in fact they seemed... almost.... friendly?

As her cousin made her way over Lillia tried to play it cool, not sure what might have been said or how much she was supposed to know about his presence on campus.

'So Anoki transferred to ASU', Rose began, her nonchalant tone confirming that he hadn't given Lillia away.

Lillia shrugged, 'Oh really? It seems like kind of a random move. Does that mean he wants you back?'

It was Rose's turn to shrug, 'I think we're both in a different place now, I actually really like Mugsy,' she gestured over at the guy waiting for her patiently but a little worriedly. 'Besides I don't think he wants me back either, he just wanted to apologise for the way he handled the thing between us. I was pretty surprised to be honest but he said he'd met someone who made him see things differently and he knew he needed to make things right with us. Whatever I guess! I wonder who this mystery person is though, I never thought Noki was capable of being anything less than totally self-centred!'

With this Rose excused herself and made her way over to Mugsy. As she laced her arms around his waist Lillia saw relief etched on all of his features, despite all the drama this guy cared a lot for her cousin and as much as she wanted to be happy for her, Lillia was jealous.

She skirted the edges of the party, resisting the urge to drown her sorrows and dwelling on Rose's words. She was impressed that Noki had apologised, relieved that he hadn't given her secret away and curious as to who it was that had inspired him to try to change. A little voice in Lillia's head wondered if it might of been her but she ignored it, it was impossible. Their little encounter would barely have registered in the midst of his string of conquests and they were too alike to learn from each other. Besides she didn't care what he did or didn't think anymore. Right?

The night wore on and Rose and Mugsy were glued together on the dancefloor as Lillia sipped her soda only to spit it out at the sight of Daisy, dressed in her sluttiest dress whispering something in a smirking Noki's ear with her eyes fixed triumphantly on Lillia. Enough was enough and Lillia turned without reacting and retreated to her bedroom, she knew how that situation ended and she didn't need to see it happen.

The next day at breakfast Lillia wasn't surprised when Daisy came and sat beside her, the girl never missed an opportunity to revel in the discomfort of others.

'Quite a party last night right?' She giggled.

Lillia shrugged, 'I guess. I was kinda tired to be honest, off in my own world.'

 Daisy looked disappointed for a moment before finding another path of attack, 'That's a shame, there were some absolute babes there, my world sure got rocked!'

'Lucky you,' Lillia's tone was flat and disinterested as she stared fixedly at her plate.

But Daisy was never one to let it go! 'Yeah, Anoki sure is a stud, but then I don't need to tell you guys that do I!'

Lillia was determined not to react but couldn't stop the blush from spreading across her cheeks. Sensing victory Daisy took a breath to deliver a killing blow when the scrape of a chair caused her to pause and another player entered the ring.

'I don't know what you'd know about my talents Daisy!' Noki's drawl had a hard edge to it and it was Daisy's turn to blush. 'Bitchy isn't exactly my type as I told you on the dance floor last night.'

Daisy looked as if she'd been hit, opening and shutting her mouth she looked about the table for someone to come to her aid and when she saw only people trying not to laugh at her she pushed her chair back and rushed out of the room.

'That was mean', Lillia muttered trying to keep the glee she felt at Daisy finally getting a taste of her own poisonous medicine off her face.

'Daisy's mean!' was Noki's only response, 'besides I wouldn't want anyone here thinking that I spent the night anywhere other than on your ridiculously uncomfortable sofa.  I think whoever deigned that thing was a masochist.'

As the atmosphere in the dining room settled back down to the usual post-party banter Lillia couldn't help glancing across at Noki from under her eyelashes. Perhaps she was imagining things but she could have sworn that he'd looked right at her when he'd said "anyone here". It sounded almost like he wanted her to know the truth.

But that was the kind of wishful thinking that would get her in trouble, the kind she had sworn to leave behind her. As soon as she was finish she'd with her waffles Lillia retreated out of the danger zone and up to the safe space that was her room but even her little sanctuary seemed too risky with Noki in the house. Grabbing her purse Lillia rushed out for a walk to clear her head.

Lost in her own thoughts she paid no attention to where she was going, just remembering to put one foot in front of another was as much as she could do. Her head was filled with unanswered questions, what might Daisy do to get back at them after they'd embarrassed her? That small victory at breakfast was sure to cost them dearly once she'd recovered from the embarrassment. Might now be the right time to tell Rose, if she was happy with Mugsy that could soften the blow? Would she even get the chance if Daisy decided to make good on her threat?

It felt as if the last few months of buried worries had all been building up to this moment and Lillia was beginning to realise that she might have left it too late to fix things. She'd been telling herself that she was different to before, that she had changed for the better but she hadn't actually made anything right. If she had been honest then Daisy wouldn't have any ammunition, perhaps she would have lost Rose but it could have been decided between the two of them. Even Noki had had the balls to apologise for his mistakes, while she'd just tried to pretend they were over with.

The more she thought of it the clearer it was. Those miserable few months had not really been about being a better person, Lillia had just been punishing herself as if somehow that would wipe the slate clean. But it hadn't made her feel any better because she hadn't sucked out the poisonous secret at the root of it all, she'd held on to the lie and the betrayal, concealing it behind a falsely sweet demeanour and hating herself for it. Lillia might have changed but not for the better, now instead of hurting others she was just lying to them and hurting herself.

It had to stop.

Pulling out her phone she fired off a text to Rose, asking if they could talk alone that evening and as she pressed send she felt light with relief that it would soon be over.

Glancing around to see where her aimless wander had landed her she saw yellow up ahead and realised she'd was in the road where Noki lived. The drive was empty but as she turned to go home she heard an engine approaching. Ignoring her instinct to duck into the bushes in case it was Noki she continued to walk steadily into the blinding lights of the oncoming car. She was done with hiding from her demons.

The car slowed beside her and Noki wound down his window, his brows tight with confusion.

'Lillia? How'd you get all the way over here?'

Lillia shrugged, 'I walked, I needed some air.'

Noki turned off the engine and nodded, getting out of the car.

'I know that feeling. Look I know I'm not your favourite person but I'd really like to talk to you. I looked for you after breakfast but you'd gone. I'm not going to try anything, I just... Well I'd just like to sort things out between us so we can maybe be friends. I don't know if you remember but before that night we used to have fun talking? I'd like that back.'

The mix of emotions in his voice echoed those which had been swirling in Lillia's head just minutes before. There was hope, hesitation and an edge of desperation. Perhaps she wasn't the only one trying to figure things out.

For an answer Lillia waked around and got in the passenger seat.

'I think a conversation is long overdue.'

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Read on now with Chapter 10 - Shame, Blame and Change

The Monroe Legacy - G.4 Chapter 8 - Bad Penny

Lillia's arrival at the sorority for her sophomore year was marked by a typical house party. The guys postured and pulled pranks, girls screamed, smiled plastic smiles and fluttered their fake lashes. After a summer around her laid back family Lillia was painfully aware of how shallow and meaningless it all was. While Rose threw herself back into the social scene with relish, Lillia tipped out the beer someone had passed her and refilled her solo cup with water.

The evening dragged by, she sipped her water, fended of a few over-eager lads and made small talk with all her friends. They were all so similar, so predictably boring. She found herself fighting to keep her mind off Noki.

If he was here he would have sought her out to mock the whole process, pointing out all the stupid proceedings and disasters about to happen. She would have laughed and vehemently rejected his pessimism whilst secretly agreeing with him. His ability to be part of a world while relentlessly criticising it was fascinating. It was one of the reasons she had fall.... No. That was the past and she wouldn't repeat those mistakes even in her mind. Lillia blushed recalling her last college party and how it had ended.

'Ooh! Who are you daydreaming about?!'

A familiar and unwelcome voice brought Lillia back into the room.

'Oh hi Daisy!', she plastered on a fake smile as she hugged her friend gingerly. The two had drifted apart since college began with Lillia being accepted by sorority royalty and Daisy never making out if the ranks of the bitchy wannabes. As the hug broke apart Lillia caught a glint of something in her friends eye, a smugness she hadn't seen since Daisy had run the high school popular crowd.

'So who were you thinking of? Brad? Mugsy?' Daisy's tone was innocent but the glint was still in her eye.

Lillia shrugged. 'Nobody in particular, it's just exciting to be back I guess.' She tried to walk away but Daisy wasn't done.

'Hmmm. If you say so... Though I'm not sure that just being back is reason to blush as much as you were doing.' For a moment it looked as the Daisy was going to keep on pushing but she abruptly changed tack.

'So what did you and Rose get up to this summer while I was in Maui?'

Relieved Lillia replied, 'Oh not much, the beach, a few clubs, the mall, movies, talking. You know how Lucky Palms is.'

'Oh I sure do! So you talked a lot. I expect it took Rosie a while to get over Noki.... Strange how months of happiness can be washed away so fast.'

Lillia stiffened. She didn't want to discuss that. 'Yes, Rose took it hard, it was a shock that it fell apart so quickly.'

'So fast.' Daisy leaned in with a wicked smile, 'In fact it only took seven minutes.'

As Daisy stepped back there was triumph written all over her face. Lillia's speechless horror had told her everything she needed to know and with one last smug smile she melted back into the crowd.

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For the next few weeks Lillia spent her days in a state of near-constant panic. Expecting Daisy to have told Rose she spent long hours in the library, avoiding the house wherever possible in the hope that her cousin might have at least calmed down a little before the inevitable confrontation. But the storm never hit and as the term got going Lillia gradually began to let her guard down. With Rose's time being divided between her many friends all over campus the two had drifted apart again which helped ease the guilty twinge that she couldn't ignore when they were together.

Months passed in a generic blur, broken up by moments of excitement (the annual Toga party) and stress (exams). Christmas came and went in a cinnamon scented haze and Lillia had just settled back into classes when the storm came. It was almost unheard of, on the edge of impossibility but that was the year that it snowed in Arizona! It might as well have been the apocalypse, classes were cancelled, girls cried and huddled in their rooms with cocoa and movies, the normal world of college just stopped for a week.

Lillia thought it was magical and while her sorority sisters huddled in the house she pulled on her coat and boots and explored the strangely alien frozen world that campus had become. The people who ventured out seemed different to the usual college types, their big coats, cold related small talk and red noses made it feel a friendlier place, more like a community than the normal set up of rigid cliques. To Lillia the whole college felt like new with all the reminders of stupid things she had done hidden under a clean white blanket. It felt like anything could happen, which is perhaps why the unthinkable did.

She had ventured out into the residential area behind the stadium and discovered a funny little house, painted all in yellow that stood out sharply in the white world. It seemed abandoned so she snuck up and peeked in the window, amused to discover that the interior was all be yellow too! As she stepped back she collided with something warm and solid, someone had come up behind her and caught her peeping.

Embarrassed Lillia muttered an apology and turned to leave without even looking whoever it was in the face. A hand on her sleeve made her stiffen but it was the familiar voice which really stopped her in her tracks.

'What a nice surprise!' His tone was jovial but it still did that dangerous brain muddling thing to her.

'Uh- oh.... Um....' was all she managed until his charming grin at her tongue-tiedness reminded her why she wasn't friends with him. Lillia took a steadying breath and began to walk away.

'Good bye Noki' was her only communication.

But he didn't get the hint, following her as she strode purposefully down the drive.

'Wait! Lillia! Can we talk?' Noki's long stride easily matched her own, drifting closer as the undeniable electricity between them rose back to the surface. But she was different now so she kept walking, raising her hand as he tried to step closer to her than she was comfortable with.

'There's nothing to talk about. Nothing at all. What are you even doing here? Go back to Texas!' As calm as Lillia was trying to stay she couldn't keep the edge of panic out of her voice. She needed for him, her biggest mistake, to be far away. But here he was, with a few miles of her home, he needed to go back and fast before he could break her defences back down or tell anyone what they had done.

But life had other plans and once again the stars were not aligned in Lillia's favour.

'This is where I live now,' Noki gestured back at the yellow house his tone had lost some of it's cockiness, 'I... I transferred schools. It's a long story, if you'll stop running away then I'll tell you the whole damn thing.'

For a moment Lillia paused! she could hear something in his voice she hadn't heard before. He sounded almost... Vulnerable. She shook herself. It didn't matter. She looked him squarely in the face, ignoring the hopefulness of his expression and spoke firmly, as much for herself as for him.

'I'm sorry but I can't, won't stay. Find another friend,' and repeating her earlier farewell she turned and left.

This time he didn't follow her.

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Read on in Chapter 9 - No More Hiding