The Monroe Legacy - G.3. Chapter 19 - Losing Sleep

Gray had started to have a recurring nightmare which jolted him awake in a cold sweat most nights. He would be in a stormy sea and his three children were each in a separate lifeboat, the lifeboats were filling with water and Gray was rushing  between them, trying to help them bail them out.

The second he got Eva's boat half empty, Casper's would be half full, Casper would be able to breathe again but Lillia would be struggling to stay afloat. It was awful. Though Gray wouldn't tell her what the dream was about, Rachel would hold him as he calmed down, stroking his back until the panic subsided but the dream wouldn't go away. There was no point getting it analysed for hundred of dollars because Gray knew exactly what the dream meant.

Each of his children needed him badly, but he could never seem to get to them all at the right time to make things right. The past few months had been crazy, a rollercoaster or good, bad and unexpected and for the first time Gray was feeling like he was aging. He was coming up for 45 but he felt so much older, as if the fatigue of all the years of searching for Eva, of rebuilding his life and of coping with life's twists and turns had fallen on his shoulders at once.

After the dream he often sat and thought about his grandmother's legacy, his responsibility to pick an heir. At the moment it seemed an impossible choice, he felt he would soon be ready to pass the legacy on but he didn't know if any of his children would be willing or able to take it on.

It seemed that the news that he was to become a grandfather had made him feel like one.... he still couldn't believe it was true.

A nervous looking Eva had cornered him  with a shell-shocked Rachel at her side. After stumbling for a while over her words she looked him in the eyes and said with all the confidence she could muster.

'Daddy, I'm pregnant. It's Hayden's and I'm keeping it.'

Gray's mind skidded to a halt as he struggled to process, looking to Rachel for confirmation which was given with a tiny nod. Eva continued, a strange serenity coming over her now the initial confession was out of the way.

'I know this wasn't the plan I'd made for my life but I can't change it now. I know what it's like to grow up feeling like you weren't wanted and I wont do that to my baby. For now that means my focus is on being a good mother. I'm excited, scared too, but college can wait, this is what I want now.'

Even as Gray struggled with the urge to hit something, preferably Hayden, he could see that Eva was at peace with her decision and so he did the only thing he could manage at that moment and hugged his daughter tightly.

In the gesture he tried to put all the positivity he could find and all those significant things that it would take them months to express. Gray knew without asking that Rachel would support Eva's decision, that his daughter was going to need them both especially when Hayden failed to respond to Eva's calls.

Eva had managed to reach him once and told him the news, he'd been quiet and when he did respond his voice sounded... off somehow. He promised to call back once he'd processed and told her not to worry. That was the last she had heard, emails bounced back, his phone was permanently off and a call to Cambridge University told them only that he had moved and not provided a new address or number. A trip to his parents house on the outskirts of town showed it shut up - local gossip said they were house hunting abroad.

After a few days of tears, Eva steeled herself, pasted on a smile and announced that if Hayden didn't want to be involved then she wouldn't try to force the issue. 

Gray's threat to go to England and drag him back was firmly refused, as Eva's belly grew so too did her determination to surround this new life with positivity and love. She proudly displayed her bump, glowing with happiness and  ignoring the nasty looks of judgemental neighbours. As much as Gray wished things had happened differently he couldn't deny that this unexpected challenge had helped his daughter overcome her past like nothing else they'd tried, Eva was a new person.

Although Eva's pregnancy was going well she did now rely more heavily on Rachel and Gray. She was determined to finish her summer school work so that she'd have the grades when she wanted to go back and go to college. Rachel was helping her study, taking her to Lamaze classes, refitting the nursery and working full time.  This left Gray to make sure Casper had all the support he needed, driving him to sessions, enforcing his rules at home and researching Asperger, even now they were only beginning to understand the challenges Casper would face.

On the positive side Casper did not have any learning problems, with his diagnosis had come an attitude adjustment from the school which was now working with the Monroe's to find better ways to teach him. Gray was daily grateful for this, he knew from parenting forums for kid on the autism spectrum that many school's weren't prepared to adapt, some going so far as to suggest that the autistic child might be better off in a specialist school.

Gray and Rachel were fast learning that the best thing they could do for Casper was to treat him normally but implement structures to help him handle those things he struggled with, primarily social interactions. When things were going well in school, his mood would high and he would be able to talk fairly animatedly about the things he was learning, the only indicators that anything was different from any other child being his refusal to make eye contact and a nervous fiddling with his hands.

It was when things went wrong that it was difficult. Any unexpected change to his timetable, any failure to understand his lessons or an uncomfortable or unusual situation would be met with either total withdrawal from the situation or a tantrum. In a sense the tantrums were easier to handle, Gray, Rachel and Eva all learned how to calm him, their behavioural therapist taught them breathing exercises and chains of events to normalise these situations. As stressful and upsetting as this could be these tantrums over fairly quickly and not altogether dissimilar from the tantrums of any other six year old.

The withdrawals were harder and tended to be the things that attracted unkind attention from the other kids. When Casper became uncomfortable or disinterested with a social situation he would often just turn away from the others involved and start softly conversing with Tia. This behaviour could last all day and to an onlooker looked like a small boy ignoring reality and interacting instead with thin air. 

Casper's belief in Tia was still so strong that it was very hard to reason him out of these moods, it was easier just to wait for him to re-engage with reality, any confrontation tended to worsen the situation and cause unnecessary stress.

It was a slow process but their doctor was pleased  with Casper's progress and with the family's adaptation to the diagnosis. Whilst it all looked good on paper and against the possible worst case scenarios it was still so new that to Gray and Rachel every set-back felt as if they'd failed. Even the small triumphs came a price, Lillia was more than ever being left to fend for herself.

Gray often talked to Rachel about how fortunate it was that Lillia had such a good group of friends to rely on. The Flowers and their families had really stepped up to help the Monroes after Casper's diagnosis. Lillia was always welcome for dinner and to stay at both Rose and Daisy's house, Jet drove her to swim practice every Saturday and Daisy's family were taking her to holiday camp with their kids for the summer.

She seemed happy enough, she always had a smile on her face, her GPA was a solid B and she always had a friend at her side. Lillia seemed excited by Eva's pregnancy, always wanting to feel her little nephew or niece kicking and keeping a chart of how long was left until the due date. On ,the surface she seemed to be a contented little girl and if it wasn't for tiny flashes of something less healthy, Gray wouldn't have been too worried about his middle daughter.

The first flashpoint he would afterwards recall was Lillia's decision to give up soccer and take up cheer. Logistically it made sense, she could carpool with Rose and Jet would give them dinner and take them to practice which clashed with Casper's sessions at the behaviourist. It struck Gray as odd that Lillia would drop out mid season, she went from shooting goals every night outside to ignoring it completely, from being full of stories from the pitch to not mentioning those friends at all.

Her motivation was revealed by accident on a rare night where the Flowers were playing at the Monroe house. The three girls were playing video games and didn't hear Gray come in behind them.

'Aren't you glad you don't have to hand out with those tomboy weirdoes at soccer anymore?' asked Daisy.

'I guess so...' was Lillia's less than convincing reply.

'You look so much prettier in a cheer uniform' was Rose's .contribution.

'And you won't get those ugly footballer thighs' finished Daisy. She and Rose burst out laughing, Lillia giggled a little awkwardly and Gray could see her shoulders stiffen in discomfort.

Having overheard this when she asked the next month to drop out of swimming and take up ballet Gray said no. He might not be able to spend as much time with his daughter as she deserved but he would do his best to protect her. His intentions rather backfired as Lillia continued swimming but acquired a "teenager attitude" to it and to him. Gray often overheard her moaning to Daisy about her parents making her do things she hated but as long as her coach kept feeding back that she was happy and positive when she was actually at practice and away from her friends, he was determined to stand firm.

With even his most easy-going child dealing with the challenges of growing-up it was really no wonder that Gray couldn't sleep. Each of his children desperately needed his love and support and between work and life's curveballs he felt like he was barely doing the minimum for each of them.

The night that Flynn Jefferson Monroe arrived and he saw that incomparable love that a parent has for their child in his daughter's eyes he swore he would find a way to better protect and provide for his family, whatever else life threw at them.

He'd begin by figuring out the heir, once that was decided he could work to make sure that whatever happened, each child would be left with the money and support they needed from their father. He would do right by them.

Choosing the heir would be a test, but he was determined to do it right. Should it be Eva? After her horrible past she'd found such strength and happiness and was just finding her way as a young woman when she discovered she'd also be raising a child alone. He knew she had the resilience for the task but he wanted her to have freedom to choose her path, she'd had so many other choices taken from her.

Lillia was still something of a mystery to him, she was driven and talented but she also let people push her around. Perhaps being his heir would give the confidence to stand up for herself and make her own way in life. Perhaps it would have the opposite effect, would she spend her life trying to live within some perceived template of what the heir had to be.

Or maybe Casper, he had an uphill battle ahead of him with his condition but Gray refused to disqualify his son based on a medical condition. Every indicator pointed to Casper having a bright future, the only question in Gray's mind was how the legacy might  affect his son. Casper was already incredibly goal focused and perhaps being the heir would provide motivation and value to otherwise scary and seemingly unnecessary social interactions. Or would it have the opposite effect and put pressure on something Casper might never feel comfortable doing.

There were so many things to consider, Gray wondered how he would ever choose.

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